(Snipped for length)
"Society and fetishes not co-existing makes sense because it’s the very act of defying convention that turns people on about them"
okay but fetishes don’t exist in a vacuum. there’s all sorts of things people call a “fetish” that’s backed up by society.
Male Dom/female sub is more accepted than female Domme/male sub… why?
Why is Dom/me seen as masucline and sub seen as feminine (albeit, by uneducated parties)?
It reinforces what society has learned - men want to control, women want to submit.
People like thin bodies and find fat bodies bad because that’s literally all we’re told is healthy and desirable.
People like fat bodies because of one reason or another - and yes, those reasons can be malicious (ex: fat girls have low self esteem so they won’t say no)
Read this words. Try to understand them. Please.
If someone literally only gets a boner with their fat partner because the fat turns them on, that is a fetish.
If someone literally only gets a boner with their thin partner because seeing the bones turns them on, that is a fetish.
Fetish =/= malicious. Fetish =/= bad.
If you don’t want to call it a fetish that is more than okay because it’s your sexuality and you get to define it.
But other people aren’t lying about their sexuality.
Now, if someone were to say “Dang girl you’re so fat I love it” when that person does not want to be seen as a fetish, that is harmful as hell.
When is a fetish bad? As with everything, there is the CONSENT factor.
I like what you’re talking about because it puts the focus back on the person consenting to being fetishized, rather than people just assuming.
I don’t like what you’re talking about because you’re ignoring a fact of human sexuality. You’re saying that the fact that I like guys who dig my fat because I AM FAT is shameful.
Also for what it’s worth - kink =/= fetish, imho.
I’m not sure how to explain it, but they just feel different.
A fetish is more like a noun, or a physical trait. A kink is more like a verb, or an action. If that makes sense.
I hear where you’re going with some of this, but I don’t think you’re being any less (harmfully) generalizing than me: “fat girls have low self esteem so they won’t say no,” this just isn’t true. Women with low self-esteem of all sizes are preyed upon, and so many people will tell you that their low self-esteem has prevented them from trusting any guys approaching them at all.
Consent is damn right the deciding factor, not “seeing someone as a fetish.” Being attracted to someone(’s “fat,” because we’re only attracted to random clumps of you) and making unwelcome comments about their body are two different things, and neither has to do with (I’ll use your word so that my point isn’t lost in semantics) kink!
Your point about accepted male doms and female subs isn’t lost on me, but it’s still in the process of being phased out like homophobia or racism. It’s not taken seriously on a conscious level (people won’t admit that women are paid less, but they’re not arguing that they should be paid less because they are women) except in the bedroom as a sexual dynamic, with consent. I’m speaking in ideals, obviously people fuck this up all the time. But one huge barrier that is still barely recognized (as evidenced by this fight for instance, have you thought about your motivation to correct this post?) is the idea that it’s normal to love and prefer fat partners. Comparing that to people objectifying someone’s “bones” is a strawman argument. If there are people I’ve left out who can “literally only get a boner” from one part of someone’s body, I’d love to hear from one.
Sure, it’s also kinky. But only if that’s how you do things. Everyone who loves and prefers fat-bodied partners is doing something normal. Only some of them are doing something kinky at the same time. Then you lost me here:
”You’re saying that the fact that I like guys who dig my fat because I AM FAT is shameful.”
I don’t equate any kind of attraction or consensual sex with shame. I don’t know how you got this from anything I’ve said.
My motivation to correct this post comes from the OP saying “liking this doesn’t make it a fucking fetish”. In my experience (camming and working in an adult store) people are so freaking confused when it comes to what they like…
My motivation was more like “hey, this actually is a fetish - no having a partner who’s fat doesn’t mean you have a fetish, but it is a thing that people partake in consentually, sometimes after years of searching”. It was meant as an addition to the OP, not really as an arguing point, or to yell “you’re wrong all wrong”.
And my apologizes. When I said “fat girls have low self esteem so they won’t say no”, I was using that as an example of a HARMFUL reason someone would have a “fetish” for a specific body type, the same way I used “lol no I wouldn’t fuck a fat girl” as an harmful example of why someone wouldn’t date a chubby lady.
Trust me, I’ve been on both sides of those reasons, and I didn’t mean for that to sound like I was using that as a good example of fetishes or kinks. >_<
Consent, I think, is where … this whole things comes together?
With any kink and/or fetish, there has to be consent. Especially with more than one person partaking. (It’s kind of hard to not consent to yourself doing something, but I think that’s probably a different subject.)
I brought up the whole Dom/me/sub thing to prove a point, and that was fetishes/kinks do not exist in a vacuum. There is a reason for pretty much every sexual preferance, even the “normal” ones.
Why are the “normal” ones, normal? Because society says so. That’s where I was trying to go with the “only gets a boner from”.
Another example, in case it’s not clear: My BF has a school girl fetish, catholic school girl to be particular.
Why? Trust me I drilled him on this because I find it incredibly harmful that he has a “fetish” for underaged girls. But he explained to be that he went to private catholic schools for 13 years, was picked on, and had crushes on school girls in uniforms who would laugh at him. He understands why he has this fixation, rather than seeking out women or god forbid, someone underage, to work out his personal problems.
His fetish isn’t something that just appeared. It didn’t just pop out of no where - it doesn’t exist in a vacuum.
By the last part - “You’re saying that the fact that I like guys who dig my fat because I AM FAT is shameful.”
I meant that if I were to leave my bf for some reason, or search out a play partner, I would 100% go for someone and search for someone who has a “fat fetish”. Obviously, being in the industry/working in an adult store/10 second look at Fetlife, I know the kind of person to stay away from. There are (as we’ve both agreed) people who don’t care about consent.
While I like the idea of being able to date freely, I’ve had too many bad experiences meeting people who never call back, who never message back, or who blatanly tell me “you look different than I thought, it isn’t going to work”. Personally, I would like to avoid this embarrassment and insecurities in my (future) relationships and just find someone who has a self proclaimed “fat fetish”.
Your OP felt a little shame-y. It might not have been your intent (and after this back and forth it’s becoming clearer), but the original, …. for a lack of better words, the original is written from a guy’s perspective. A guy who says “I like fat chicks”, nonetheless.
If you want my point of view, you should grab and love and nibble and kiss your partner no matter what their body looks like. Fat, thin, chubby, skinny, super sized, tall, short, disabled, etc. All bodies are deserving of that kind of love. You don’t get a badge for “liking” one type over another. (Which is what I feel like you were trying to do in your OP?)
To sum up my response that’s gotten entirely too long…
People like to label themselves. It makes them feel better. I know I do - I could ramble off a long long list of how I label myself.
I like to because it’s often hard for me to find words to explain what I’m trying to say, let alone explain myself as a person. Sometimes those labels take the form of fetishes. Or kinks. Or BDSM titles.
Things can become a fetishes/kinks for people because it’s they best way they have to describe themselves. They’re not necessarily sexualizing or demending any other person in doing so.
If that makes sense?
"You don’t get a badge for ‘liking’ one type over another. (Which is what I feel like you were trying to do in your OP?)"
All the OP said was that sex between a fat admirer and a fat person is no different an exchange than sex between an admirer of conventional beauty and a thin person. When someone slots it as a fetish, they are othering it, and it’s usually intended as a slur. It’s great to assert that you’re not someone’s object to be used without consent. Would be greater to not attribute that to fetishists, who aren’t to blame as a group, and are already ostracized and make for a suspiciously lazy target. The post was written to equalize a perceived abnormality with the perceived norm. And because I’m really fucking sick of the awful meme where some proclaim that “I’m not a fetish.” Great! Neither is the fetishist.
"Fetish" and "kink" are used interchangeably by the general population—The fact FetLife isn’t called KinkLife should be the final word on that— but "fetish" and "preference" shouldn’t be. There’s also a huge difference between a "fetish" for underage girls (Which would be ephebephilia at best…I really hope this is a typo) and a thing for Catholic schoolgirl uniforms (which is healthy, common and what sounds like your boyfriend actually has). I can’t tell if you know the difference, because you equated them twice. I really hope you do. Not meant as a personal attack on you or him. Just genuinely alarmed by this conflation.