Anonymous asked: Any chance you'll be stopping by olympia, wa anytime soon?

Not unless you’re signing me to Kill Rock Stars I’m afraid.


Anonymous asked: I have tried the online dating thing. I seem to only attract bed buddies as a 5'9 380lb female. Not that I don't appreciate the appreciation, I'm just over it. How do I more quickly weed out the hoe hoppers from the men that can have a conversation that doesn't solely consist of "show me your tits" ? I understand the obvious solution is to loose weight to appeal to a larger group, but to put it simply, I like me.

I’m glad you like you! The biggest thing you have to understand is that guys aren’t going to recuse themselves, so you’ll have to trust your own instincts, and question them in a way that isn’t so pointed it will scare them off but will still get you the information you need.

Also, when you do tip your hand, why not be frank? When they say something sexual out of nowhere, just say, “I’ve gotten really bored with NSA sex lately so it’s not really enjoyable for me to talk about that kind of stuff until I’ve established that you’re not going to ghost on me and that you’re interested in things about me besides my body. Can we have the conversation about you liking my tits three or four dates from now? I won’t be offended if you want to cut out, but please be honest with me (and yourself!) so we don’t waste each other’s time.” Something like that, shorter, more to the point and in your own voice. And hold him to it.

Obviously this is only for the guys worth responding to at all. Don’t bother if you don’t see there being a chance of them being what you actually want.


I felt like this was necessary.


I felt like this was necessary.


fatter than u

prettier than u

suck it

(via electricpastiche)


Anonymous asked: Hello Dan, Would you be available for a live ten minute telephone radio interview tonight at 6:35pm PT (9:35pm ET) on Talk 910am San Francisco with Gil Gross to discuss your article regarding what Louie got wrong about fat girls? It would be just yourself and Gil without opposing views or questions from listeners and a cell phone would be fine. Many thanks.

I’m available, not sure my stomach is.


Kate Rose is a sexual health advocate and educator in California.

It was like he handed me an alien object, like some oddly shaped component of a machine that I had no context for. I looked down at it as if I didn’t know what it was for a moment, and then suddenly remembered that often when one member of the human species wishes to show affection for the other, they would like to demonstrate publicly that they don’t mind being seen as associated through the touching of hands. I just started seeing this guy, and it wasn’t until he grabbed my hand on a short walk to the corner store and it shocked me that I realized how jaded I had become about trying to date as a fat chick.

This apparently still common mating behavior was featured as part of an episode of Louie, thematically centered around a fat waitress, Vanessa, who endures a constant rebuffing of her advances from the title character. Dan followed up this episode with very astute coverage of where the episode hit and where it missed, leaving me with really only one major quibble: his assertion that, “Vanessa would have far less trouble getting someone to hold her hand in real life.” In my own anecdotal experience this has not bore out to reality. 

I know the plural of anecdote is not data, but dear god do I have a lot of data points to consider. I’ve been on dates with dozens of people in the last few months, many of them guys who transparently take me to only places they never go, guys who even after a fifth date would never want me to hang out with anyone they would call a friend, guys who say when I want to go to a cafe in our neighborhood, “We can’t go there, the staff will think that we’re together and ask me about it,” guys who even after saying, “I would cancel all of my other dates for you,” but wrench their hand away when I try to touch it across the table at brunch.

I’ve spent a long time working consciously to shed my weight-related shame, and every time this happens it’s like getting grabbed by the ankles and jerked sharply back down to earth. Even a friend who I once dated said, with more frankness than any intentional unkindness, “If I took you to this event with me, it would be this really sexual thing, you know? Like everyone would look at you with me and say, hey I know what he’s into.” Until he said that, it hadn’t occurred to me that I can’t just exist without being some kind of secondary signaling for the sexual proclivities of whatever man is standing in my orbit. Here I thought I was just going to have some champagne and canapes.

So maybe it’s more fair to say that I stand atop a pile of other people’s horseshit rather than my own soapbox when I have great skepticism for the idea that as Dan says, there are plenty of guys who would be perfectly willing to be publicly seen as with a fat girl. Yeah they exist, they thankfully often self-identify as FAs and go to bashes, but most of us are left to wade in the murky shallows of men who will actually go out with us at all, with very few opportunities to screen in advance if this also comes inclusive with a paralyzing fear of anyone else knowing that they would actually do so.

Before this guy grabbed my hand, it had been about 8 months since anyone had gripped said limb with affectionate intention in a public place. Oh sure, plenty had maybe touched my hands as a pit stop on the way to grope my ass on a dark street or to slide it up and across my back at a bar in an effort to proposition me for sex. I’ve found plenty of men who would at the drop of the hat stick their tongue in to my mouth in front of strangers, but it had been a dating eternity since anyone wanted to make the public gesture in front of God and the corner store owner and the mailman that hey I like this person and I like being near them, no qualifiers. 

So when Vanessa says to Louie, “Have you ever held hands with a fat girl? Have you ever walked down the street in the light of day, holding hands, with a big girl like me?” it reached in to my insides, grabbed a big handful, twisted and pulled.

I know a lot of people are disappointed that this episode didn’t get more right, but frankly all it seemed to do was hold up a mirror to a world that for me almost never gets it right, a world still expects me to to bear the shame of men who want to date me and are scared that someone might laugh at them for it. If there are as Dan says, plenty of men who would disagree, generally speaking, I don’t know them. Vanessa doesn’t either, and her experience is not everyone’s but it is mine and no less a part of the big mosaic of experiences of dating while fat.

I do ever hope that holding my hand and other displays of public affection and acceptance become the new normal for me. But until then I appreciate Louie for showing some piece of the breadth of experience we have as fat chicks, and that sometimes it is equal parts wonderful and remarkable when a guy holds on and doesn’t let go.


For my first Deadspin piece I wrote about Louis C.K. and fat porn and not being able to score a hotel room for the Vegas BBW bash.


Anonymous asked: Any advice for a girl 0% confident in person - but 100% confident on cam?

have we dated


Anonymous asked: Is it a turn off when you can tell a girl you're with is self conscious?

There’s really no escaping normal human insecurities, unfortunately.


Anonymous asked: I'm only 16 and I weigh about 220, obesity runs in my family. I am working on losing weight, I just started this week. I decided that it was time to stop making excuses and just work for what I want. I like this guy and he is quite tall, average weight. I don't want to wait a year to talk to him because I'll be slimmer then. How can I talk to him now and make him like me despite my weight? We talk sometimes, small convos, and he laughs at my jokes in class sometimes too.

What if he likes fat girls? I really can’t help you because I’ve never talked to anyone “despite their weight” before.