Do you generally think the fatter the better, or is there an upper limit where it stops being attractive to you? Outside of fantasies, I mean. Someone you would actually have a relationship/sex with.
Allllllllllllllllllllllllllll depends on the person. One thing I genuinely take pride in as an FA is the insane amount of range in the body types I appreciate. Some of the most gorgeous girls I’ve ever seen have weighed from like, 160 to 450 lbs. And I generally think it’s rude to determine a “correct” attractive weight so I don’t comment on upper or lower limits. Too big or too small should never be the issue; only whether someone’s attractive or unattractive to you, period.
Is there anything about having sex with a thin woman that you wish you could transfer to having sex with a fat woman? IE they're easier to manhandle, it's easier for them to be on top for longer periods of time... Or is the lack of those things being possible a turn on (you know, because it punctuates how fat they are)?
I wish sex with anyone, for anyone, was easier. But I generally don’t wish anything different about the people I choose to have sex with once, you know, I’ve chosen to have sex with them. It is hot when something drives home how fat they are though.
im fat and im in high school and ive never had a boyfriend...but i dont know what kind of guy to go for...i like black guys...but there are none where i live.
You and this chick should maybe do a housing swap, huh?
In high school, it’s not entirely terrible for you to not have a boyfriend. High school guys are rarely a prize and that goes triple for high school FAs. Since you don’t even know what “kind” of guy to go for, maybe just focus on making friends, joining clubs, trying out lots of activities that interest you and seeing if any close male companions come of that?
If you’re still determined to get yourself a black boyfriend, make an account on Blackplanet or try to meet boys of color on Tumblr or other social networks, be very careful about who trust (especially assuming you’re underage) but make some casual, long-term penpals who share your other (re: nonsexual) interests and maybe that’ll help you and some friends decide where to roadtrip next summer? Or what colleges to look at down the road?
I think your blog is outstanding and have referred it to many of my more succulent and adorable female friends. I'm not a huge user of tumblr and have a stupid question that I hope you'll indulge me in answering: How can I offer a comment on select postings? I see that others have done it, and assume that you're ok with it. Thanks!
Click on the date at the top of a post and that should take you to the individual post to comment on right?
Have you ever had male friends find out a fat girl was attracted to them and they reacted negatively?
Not sure what you mean by “reacted negatively” but I’m pretty sure none of my male friends have like, humiliated any girls they turned down or anything like that. Any “jokes” or comments would’ve been made privately to Us Guys after. Can’t remember any specific instances of this though.
Looking for some advice - since we started dating nearly 7 years ago, my fiancé has put on quite a bit of weight (thyroid issue and a pregnancy). I've always tried to be honest with her that I prefer big/fat girls, but that I love her no matter her size. However, since gaining the weight, she's become very critical of herself - I think she looks amazing. Long question short - any sage advice to help me help her be less critical of herself?
Just keep telling her what you already know, that she looks amazing. Does she know you’re not just being nice? Has she seen the Tumblrs you look at? She may never agree with you but all you can do is create a safe and loving environment, and (gauging her hopefully pleased reactions in mind of course) maybe give her now-bigger bits some now-bigger attention during sex and cuddling?
How do I get the right guys attention? I want a funny sweet and cute guy but all the guys that hit on me are cocky and creepy..
Girlfriend, I want ten trillion jars of hoisin sauce but we all have to suffer I guess.
Everyone meets creeps on the way to meeting the right person, perhaps girls moreso. The only way to really avoid them is to hang out with less shady friends-of-friends, carry a big stick (of mace) and start focusing really well on judging people’s character when you prioritize social decisions. If guys always do something creepy to you, ambush the next guy right off the bat asking if he [does creepy thing]. Find out as much as you can before entering a relationship with someone. People always rush relationships. Really, you can just hang out and get to know someone before you enter into a relationship with them. If creeps just hit on you at a party or on the street, out of the blue, avoid responding to them. Creeps’ll never stop creeping but you can always reduce the amount of time you deal with them all up in your grill. Don’t be afraid of being impolite to get away from them.
It was so fucking rad. Our bassist popped a string on the first song and cut his hand, but Low Cut Connie lent him a bass and he got to bleed all over it. Our new singer Bridget killed it. My favorite band Wussy shouted us out before playing my favorite song. Low Cut Connie ascended to Dismemberment Plan/Gogol Bordello levels of dominance over any other live band working.
I need your help, I found a rad FA on tumblr that lives near me and I want to talk to him but I have NO idea how to start the conversation... :O I feel like I only have one chance so I don't want to fuck it up.
Of course you have more than one chance. After undergoing plastic surgery and legally changing your name.
My band. We’re playing at North Star Bar on Friday night with two of America’s best bands, Wussy and Low Cut Connie. I’m not fucking kidding; Rolling Stone's praisedthem and everything. It’s 21+ and we go on at 9pm. You can buy tickets here. Please don’t judge my band by my blog/blog by my band/etc. But obviously it would be very cool if a couple extra folks showed up cuz of me posting about it here. And if you do, say hello and take some free pins and stickers.
So I am normally 5'6", 140, Recently dropped quite a bit. Obviously, my FA man is pretty bummed. I plan on gaining it back but have never really had to gain and am trying to figure it out. Do you know if there is a way to do that without eating myself sick? I'm all for stuffing, but I can't take it too far.
IDK, is your relationship so strong that wouldn’t both be rather dating someone else? Sorry if that sounds dick, but when you’re smaller than 140 you have so many other options, and he has so many other options for dating above 140. If you really liked being bigger (you don’t say whether you lost the weight on purpose), there’s like a billion ways to gain it back, no? Don’t eat yourself sick or to the point of harm…unless you (not your boyfriend, you) are into that?
I just don’t see the relationship lasting if he’s already bummed by the physical changes unless you are too.
I'm fat (6'2 and between 240-250 at any given time, comfortable at between 225-230) and I get hit on by black dudes all the time. I try not to sound racist, but it probably comes across as racist that I don't like black guys. White guys don't want me because of two things: 1) I am super tall. 2) I am fat. I just turned 34 and it's a very lonely thing that guys don't even look at me or think I'm a man. Am I doing something wrong?
You’re lonely, but not so lonely you’ll try dating some of the dudes who are hitting on you “all the time”. It doesn’t make you racist because you can’t help what you like, but would it kill you to try enjoying some of the attention you’re already receiving? What don’t you like about black dudes? I also think it’s important to distinguish whether you’re talking about seriously any black dude or if you’re just not open to it because more scrubby types catcall you down the street and that’s painted you a bad picture of an entire race of guys. If you mean legit eligible dates that you’re turning down because they’re black, it just seems silly to not at least explore that a little bit when you describe yourself as “very lonely.” You might like it?
I have no idea how or where you’re hitting on white guys so I can’t tell you what you’re doing wrong there, but maybe some commenters know tips for finding comparably tall guys or shorter guys who prefer taller women. I’m pretty sure a good chunk of FAs are specifically fond of Amazonian types.
Can... you just post this to let all the girls out there know that there are some of us that prefer larger (like, turn-sideways-through-doors larger) ladies, but can still find most sizes down from there attractive? My current GF is probably only about the width of two fluffed hotel pillows stacked together, but still great to hold.
Same guy from before with "nervous" gf. I wanted to say ty for the advice and link, and that her and I are the same age and that for both of us this is our first relationship and we're taking things very slow. From your answer I feel like I'm on the right track and have been very cautious about the subject of her weight and I think I'll wait to bring it up for it it ever becomes apparent as a problem. It can be really confusing at times know how to deal with these things. Ur help means a lot :D
Great! Apologies for being kind of harsh to you but I wanted to err on the side of caution advice-wise. You’re on the right track, just be gentle, communicative, open-minded even if she isn’t, understanding, and the most you can do is pay very close attention to her feelings and reactions to anything before proceeding further with whatever sexually.
I wanted to add to that last anon: I'm around 350 lbs. I refuse to discuss the actual number with my boyfriend. I'm fat and that's all he needs to know about it. He has made one or two comments trying to slyly guess my weight in the 13 months we've been together and he apparently thinks I'm around 230 or 240. Don't be so concerned with what the scale says, because it says nothing of your character; it just puts a number on your relationship with gravity on this planet :P
Do guys who like fat girls only like ones over 180? An article, in the Village Voice, spoke about men who like heavier women but it seemed like even that had a weight requirement. At 5ft 1in, weighing 155 lbs. I don't seem to fit in anywhere. Aren’t there men who like that in-between size? This may seem like a simple question, but I am trying to understand how men can find a fat girl desirable, even an average sized fat girl. Our culture has left me feeling less than adequate.
Lots of guys like that “in-between” size, it just doesn’t seem like it because that’s mostly a very relaxed audience compared to the identity freaks who shout their thin or fat allegiances from the rooftops. You’re less likely to find an online support group perhaps, because you’re not as marginalized as someone bigger, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t men for you. At your size, you’re probably able to attract chubby chasers and “normal” dudes alike. You’re probably not “dealbreaker fat,” to repeat one term I’ve used.
Some guys think they have a weight requirement but their perceptions are usually skewed by other factors; i.e. lots of guys who’ve looked at fat girl pics online might think that a 250 lb. girl is “too small” for them but meeting one in real life would surprise them. Girls in porn—usually an early formative experience for FAs—sometimes lie about their weight which distorts guys’ perception of big-enough as well. If the Voice article made it seem like FAs don’t like girls under 180, that’s just because it needed to generalize a very diverse and misunderstood type of attraction in a limited amount of pages, and a key point was letting people know exactly how big the girls we like can be. That is, much bigger than Dove seems to consider plus-size. Height obviously makes a difference though, and everyone’s attracted to a different range of sizes. I’m under the impression that my range is bigger than most FAs, but it’s not like anyone’s ever conducted a census or anything. Either way, I highly doubt your size personally would be a roadblock in finding a guy. Ever searched the term "thick"?
From another guy who likes fat chicks, I'd like to remark that I love your blog. I find your comments to be sincere without being over complicated. I feel Ike I've dealt with almost all of these feelings at one time or another.
A lot of people have. I do what I can but it’s grossly underdocumented.
Also, when girls kinda tuck their stomach into their pants to “hide” it, and then it sort of neutralizes the attractiveness of their midsection, what would be a good way to tell them that I think they would look better if they didn't do that, specifically my gf. We don't see each other that often, and I'm pretty sure this is because she's kinda nervous about dating (from what I hear is very common at 15), and I haven't told her I like bigger girls, but purely because it's never really come up...
Well I wouldn’t start by telling her that how she wears her gut “neutralizes the attractiveness” of it. You’re probably going to have to be the one to “bring it up,” though at her age of 15 (she sounds younger than you right?) I’d be extremely fucking careful with your words if you must say something at all, a lot more careful than you were in this question.
I might be wrong, but I don’t think girls just tuck it in to “hide” it, it’s probably a comfort thing too, like getting our balls into dress pants. I wouldn’t say a thing about that, not at your age with your experience level and probably never. All you have to know about “what to say” is to keep it very basic and let her ask most of the questions. When you’re making out, put your hands on her waist and see how she reacts. If she ever says anything about her weight, that’s a good time to bring up that you 1. love her body and 2. part of that is because she’s big. Up to you whether you want to use the word “fat” - I wouldn’t. If she’s “nervous about dating” (and no offense, you sound like the kind of dude who’d make a younger girl nervous) there’s a good chance being bigger is part of that and you do not want to fuck her up further. You didn’t say how sexually experienced she is, but don’t push anything on her.
From your manner of speaking and the way you described her, you might be better off dating someone a little older and “less nervous”/more experienced unless you’re up to wait a long time for this girl to get comfortable in her own skin, which is not something you can push her into hurrying.
It bears serious repeating that you shouldn’t say a thing to her about how she wears her midsection. If you guys must stay together and a discussion about your interest in big girls opens up, start with makeouts and belly rubs and maybe looking at a few fat-positive Tumblrs. Be very, very vigilant of her reactions and pull back if she’s looking weirded-out or upset.
I may be underestimating both of yours’ sexual prowess but just going by your question it sounded like you have an advantage. You want someone’s early sexual experiences with you to be equal, not pressured. That goes double for fat stuff, something girls even twice her age aren’t yet comfortable talking about or having touched by their boyfriend. Look her in the eyes often and be mindful of her feelings. It might not even hurt for you to read a little about that rape thread on Reddit so that you develop the right kind of consciousness (and conscience). And yes I’ve noticed wearing white can be the opposite of slimming black.
Hi! I'm a high school guy, and I wanted to first say that I'm a big fan of your blog/tumbler, and it's really helped me to understand what to expect as someone who likes bigger girls. A few quick questions: You know how people say wearing black makes you look slim? Cause I've noticed that the opposite also seems to be true, ie girls will look especially good some days when they are wearing white (cause it makes them look bigger). Has that been the case with you? Continued on next...
The same 27 year old virgin again,so my question was,how do I put myself out there slowly? I am yet not ready to hit on a guy straight up but how do I at least look like I am interested?!The funny thing in all of this is,through med school I had a bit of a reputation as a party girl,I go out,drink,dance but never even properly look at the men around. Was it just insecurity?God.
Flirting is the most fun part of being single, unquestionably. Learning to do it isn’t easy, but it’s worth it. Start talking to strangers and trying to keep the conversation going as long as possible. Get used to that, getting over the hump of worrying what someone thinks of this random person talking to them is how you learn to put yourself out there romantically to do the same. You like someone’s shirt? Want to know where they got it? Heard a song you love blaring on their earbuds? Say these things aloud, practice making eye contact and just get yourself comfortable starting up conversations with attractive men. It should help that you’re currently not interested in closing the sale, as well the fact that you never have to see them again if you do feel stupid. The worst case scenario is some philistine gives you a weird look.
I am so glad I found your site! and you and your gf look amazing:) I am a 27 year old doctor who's a size 16,I have always had guys like me as a friend,or talk about how smart I was or cute.But I feel like guys are'nt attracted to me sexually. I was sexually abused from ages 8-12.A shrink I saw briefly, said I had serious issues with trust and need to get over it. Now I just dont know anymore,is it me pushing guys away(subconciously?) or do guys not like me?oh yea I am a virgin,and never dated.
Don't actually have a question. Just kinda nice to know there are guys out there who like fat chicks. I'm ridiculously self conscious about not being a size 2. So, it's refreshing that you don't have to be bone thin for someone to think your body is sexxy. Thanks for all that you write about. <3
Come on, guys like thin girls but have you ever really heard of a guy saying MAN I NEED SOMEONE BONE THIN? Most guys like some meat in varying quantities. Non-chubby chasers get down with plenty of sizes above 2. And then there’s us connoisseurs.
Hey I'm not sure if you ever answer a guy's questions but here it goes. I've always liked big girls ever since I can remember realizing it at about 14-15, it's always been hard to get a bigger girl to look at me nonetheless find me attractive. I'm about 5'10 and 170, I always heard it might be because it's intimidating since I'm on the in shape side and am attractive but I'm not sure if that's the truth. I've only been in one relationship with a big girl not including hook ups what would suggest
Before I answer I just want to say how much it saddens me that like 85% of my questions are not by guys. I love helping women validate who they are and how they choose to live (sucks that some of them need me for this, but it also sucks that nuclear weapons still exist). But I really started this fucking thing to help guys communicate better with fat girls, blurt out what they need to blurt out, touch what they need to start touching, and shut up when they need to shut up. So yes I fucking answer guys’ questions, PLEASE SEND ME MORE OF THEM.
I don’t know how old you are now, but in high school I had more success with thin girls than fat ones. I may be a dickbag but I think at least some of that had to do with insecurity on their part. I’m not sure if that’s the case with you. Think about the image you’re putting out there, are you coming off like someone who would make a fat girl feel safe and comfortable around?
Also, are you hitting on them and being turned down? If you’re expecting fat girls in this society in 2012 to walk up to an in-shape/attractive guy and start putting the moves on you, you’ve been misinformed. Go pursue them. Don’t be pushy.
...during high school he couldn't really talk to his guy friends about girls he was attracted to, and a lot of people assumed he was gay because he didn't talk about it. Before he told me all of that, I just never would have thought that any guys faced that kind of thing. But now I know and it makes me really mad that there are guys who get ridiculed simply because of the body type they're attracted to. So thank you for doing your part to try to make people see that it's not weird or creepy!
It’s the reason I’m here. Not that there’s anything wrong people thinking you’re gay (and they definitely thought I was), but in general the idea of there being a universal sexuality I’d hope the majority of the western world now knows is ridiculous and it would be great if they stopped assuming all sexuality is adherent to subtle variations on one body type.
I truly appreciate your commitment to this. I am not even THAT big of a girl (5'2" and 165 at my heaviest) but I have always had the "chubby" look about me and I was never told anything about me was sexy except for my (admittedly awesome) boobs and of course the whole "pretty face" thing. My current boyfriend is a pretty scrawny guy - he's about 5'8" and he MIGHT weigh 140 - but it took him a lot of time to convince me that he thinks my body is really, really sexy. He talks about how during CONT
My boyfriend and I have been exploring our sexual relationship. It's been about a month now. Lately, after giving him head, he doesn't concern himself with touching me or pleasing me. We've talked about how it makes me feel insecure & unattractive bc he doesn't seem driven to want to please me as I do him. This last time we had a talk, he told me he just has to get used to my body type. I argue that it's impossible to "get used to my body" you either like it or you don't. Advice? Should I run?
Have you tried talking about how you’d like a few of those orgasms too? Forget feeling insecure and unattractive, YOU WANT WHAT HE’S HAVING. Stop giving him head. Boycott that shit immediately. Tell him to touch/fuck/eat you now. If that works, make him do it all week. If he ain’t “used to your body” by then, there’s the door.
You’re entirely the correct one here. I don’t see a future with him unless he grows up and learns to handle his own girlfriend’s body and needs fucking fast.
I would definitely consider myself overweight, but I'm not HUGE or anything. I am 200 lbs, 5'9 but I am not even average so I'm bigger...whatever. Anyway, I am a virgin still at 20, and I can't get over the fact that I genuinely feel bad for anyone who has to touch me. I know you and other guys truly don't care, but I can't bring myself to allow anyone besides my mirror to see me naked. What should I do, because I don't want to be a virgin forever? ):
For the record, you don’t have to get naked to have sex. I wouldn’t normally recommend this, but maybe if you were getting intimate with someone you really liked, in a dress or something, and fucked with your panties down by your request, maybe you’d get relaxed and euphoric enough in the situation to feel comfortable taking the rest off, or next time?
5’9 and 200 lbs. is not even the slightest bit uncommon a size, and being a virgin at 20 gives you a lot of company. I’d seek therapy to talk about your body image and fears, especially if you’ve had chances at romantic encounters and you’ve turned them down because your phobias are so intense.
Is it ever ok to ask your partner to change for you? Whether it's gain weight or lose it just for their pleasure?
Of course it is. People should try as hard as possible to make things work with their partner but if it’s the difference between you staying or leaving, put it on the table. It’s a tough subject and an unpopular view, especially on Tumblr, but there’s a reasonable expectation to stay attractive to your partner short of something like a medical reason not to.
That said, you should never get together with someone expecting to change them or remodel them into what you want. They should be what you want in the first place.
Asking them to change, if you must, and I’m not at all saying this should happen even close to as commonly as it does, should be along the lines of bringing back something that is no longer there, or breaking a bad habit. But people lose and gain weight for partners all the time. I don’t see that changing whether it’s “ok” or not.
I guess the way the question’s worded it’s likely if someone has to “ask” someone to do it then their interests are not shared. And you’re certainly not obligated. You also shouldn’t do anything to your body that you wouldn’t want to do single or with someone else. Making permanent changes for someone does not make your relationship any more permanent and the fact they’d ask you to is in most cases a sign that it shouldn’t be.
No one can make you lose or gain weight but no one should also be forced to stay with someone who is no longer interested in being attractive to them.
And yes, there’s a health aspect. Even more important than staying attractive for yourself AND your partner is staying ALIVE for yourself and your partner. When you choose a partner in general, you want to be on the same page with that sort of thing. No one wants to be heartbroken, so it’s good to gauge tough questions like this early on (not so early on that you come off militant or scare them off, just early on).
I am a very fat chick. I am also gorgeous, uber-sexual, educated, accomplished, usually pretty confident about who I am and where I'm going and what I want out of life. I've been reading your blog for a while now, but I've never commented. I just want to say you're doing a great job. You offer pretty sincere advice to the people sincerely asking and successfully deflect the naysayers with just the right amount of dickishness. I enjoy what you do and look forward to reading new submissions.
Thanks! I’d put “just the right amount of dickishness” on a business card.
Dan - love your tumblr and your writing. Quick music question: what do you think of Pitchfork? I'm new to the indie scene and it fit the bill when I was looking for a consistent source of daily online music reviews. However, opinions I've heard about it have been polarized. What's your take on it? I know this isn't a fat chick question, sorry!
They fired me! So I’ll be as objective as I can. Pitchfork has been a lifelong fascination/frustration for me, before, during and after writing there.
They’ve never had less than outstanding news coverage and the addition of Carrie Battan and Jenn Pelly last year classed them up by several quantums. In general, the quality of writers has improved over the years but the rhetoric of their record reviews has not. Many of the reasons they like and dislike a lot of things that they do are awful reasons. Rap and women are major problem areas. Historically, they’ve also proven overly embarrassed by humor and irony that isn’t tailor-made for their base (i.e. LCD Soundsystem) as well as being overly impressed with the earnest. They have a tendency to canonize for canon’s sake rather than giving consumer advice, i.e. the recent Blur box set getting an 8.5 without actually delving into the utility of who owns all the original albums and would still want to repurchase all of them in a ridiculously pricey set, barely even touching on the purported “five-and-a-half hours’ worth of rarities.”
They allowed a review to be published that began "The aughts sadly weren’t a great decade for women in rock." They pump up inferior new records to compensate for missing or underrating an artist the first time (especially in R&B: Frank Ocean, Erykah Badu). They rarely take risks on a rating and when it’s not predictable the gender divide is: surprisingly low scores for M.I.A. and Best Coast but surprisingly high for Tyler, the Creator. And they just overly mythologize in general.
It’s whatever. The site’s forced the world to rethink about everything and helped a bunch of great records sell unlikely numbers. It introduced me to some of my favorite songs of the last decade: R. Kelly’s “Echo,” Think About Life’s “Havin’ My Baby,” and the Radio Dept.’s “Heaven’s on Fire.” Read it to keep abreast of new things but by no means consider their opinions to be definitive. Trust your own instincts and read plenty of conflicting reviews when expanding your tastes.
I'm fairly sure my fiancée isn't actually attracted to me. I mean, he is because he loves me but not because he genuinely thinks I'm attractive. How can I make him truly love and find my body sexy?
Proposing to wed you isn’t enough proof that he is? I need to know more to give you a helpful answer: why do you think this? Do you have sex regularly and does he initiate? If it turns out he’s “normally into smaller women” or “has never been with someone as big as [you] before” those aren’t automatic indicators that he’s not attracted to you.
We haven't seen you around lately. Hope everything's okay on your end.
Thanks, yeah sorry about that. I don’t know, not super inspired lately + busy + lots of personal shit crumbling. I go through phases with the blog in general but I’m up to absentee deadbeat dad levels. Lots of fatigue. My band’s playing our biggest show ever next weekend so lots going into that and trying to finish the album. And lots of writing. Lots and lots. But I’ll try and get to some of these.