Not an ask. Just wanted to say: Dan, you are awesome and damn hot. I love your blog (and articles.. etc) and hope it's always around in one form or another. As a proud fat chick myself with (imho) one of the hottest bf under the sun, I just want to let all you wonderful fat girls know you can have whatever you want, and anyone who ever tells you otherwise can fuck right off. There is something and someone for everyone out there, just be yourself and it will happen. That goes for everyone. <3
hi, i'm a bisexual girl who is currently happily dating a gorgeous fat girl. there's one problem though. i can tell that she's kind of insecure about her size. it's like she doesn't believe me when i say she's insanely hot. sometimes i think it has something to do with the fact that i'm rather skinny and have had eating disorder issues in the past (which i've discussed with her). how do i convince her that i think she's beautiful?
Take your pick:
1. More discussion 2. More (body) love 3. More time 4. All of the above
The more you guys communicate and trade physical affections should at least improve things, regardless of how much or how slowly.
The other technique I usually bring up—though it doesn’t work for everyone—is to show her similar bodies that you think are hot, either in porn or on Tumblr. Do that if you think it would help for her to know she’s the norm for your predilections rather than just someone you’re being incredibly nice to. Adipositivity's a great place to start, and they're fresh off their victory over the dickholes at Tosh.0.
I've never been treated as a second or discriminated against, I feel more like I'm the one that judges myself worse. Being a fashion student is kind of weird when you're fat. Working around models and other fashion students who are also quite tall and thin. But that doesn't matter what I guess I'm here to say is that I don't get treated differently and I guess it's because I put on a confident girl personality or I just act like I'm not fat. But it's something I struggle with daily.
You’re clearly doing the right thing. Not everyone can put on that kind of face, but if you act like you’re in control and not to be messed with, people are less likely to mess with you. The weak pick on those who they perceive to be weaker.
Okay. So two things. 1. I'm 5'6" and 240lbs, not that it matters, & I generally think I'm pretty, & don't have a huge confidence issue, but I think my face looks bloated all the time & takes away from my facial beauty. Do fatter faces bother you? 2. More importantly, my tits are huge. Like, literal-watermelons-under-my-shirt huge, & when I'm getting it on, laying on my back, they flop out to the side. I'm really self conscious about it-how do guys feel? Any suggestions? ( . Y . )
I’m pretty on the record as loving fat faces. I think most FAs don’t mind them at least, though you have the occasional dude who really likes how a girl with a thin face just billows out all over below the neck.
I have never in my life heard of a dude who would intentionally sleep with a 240 lb. girl and complain about watermelons-under-shirt-sized tits. If you personally are self-conscious about them when you lay on your back, smush ‘em together and make some astronomical cleavage. But no one’s gonna lose their hard-on if you let ‘em flop to the side. Hell, I just got one.
So... I'm the anon that asked the question about my husband liking my belly fat. It seems that I missed your first response to it but I'm not overly butthurt about it. Maybe I would be if I saw it, I don't really know. All I know is, I asked you a question in the hopes that you would be honest. I came to you for advice, not hand holding, and I feel like I got what I asked for. I appreciate this blog and the fact that you answered my question in general. :) Thank you! Also, always be yourself!
The first response was just “He’s your fucking husband and he loves your fucking fat so hand it over.” It wasn’t advice; more of a “go get ‘em tiger” thing. Now I feel like a pussy for deleting it. I’m way too insecure lately to boss this blog properly.
Do you think it makes your girlfriend insecure to hear that you favor black or Latina women? There's nothing wrong with that at all (obviously, half Mexican/half white girl here) but do you think it's at all akin to a guy publicly saying "I prefer thin women" when he's got a fat girlfriend? (For the record, since this IS tumblr, this is in no way me attacking your character. I'm just curious because I don't think it is the same and can't decide why.)
Let me clarify that I didn’t “prefer” or “favor” anything in that post from ages ago. There’s a ton of stuff that I like. Way too much to fall into one type. That doesn’t mean I’ll just go for anyone, it just means there are a lot of different attributes that catch my fancy, and some of them even contradict others. I certainly can’t be every single desirable size, shape and color and I wouldn’t expect anyone I date to be either.
Proud fat chick again. Also wanted to say to all the fat girlies out there that have trouble accepting or enjoying their entire bodies for sexual enjoyment I strongly suggest masturbation. Play with yourself while playing with yourself. Grab your own belly, slap your own ass or thighs... etc. It may not be for everyone but I can say from personal experience that it completely opened up a whole new side of sex to me that I love and can't imagine going without ever again.
maybe i overreacted to what you said but i really did take deep offense. i deal with people saying she is pretty for a black girl all the time and what do those scum bags think make a black girl "pretty" having more european features. it is wrong and drives me crazy. cause people don't say that when they talk about other races. maybe this is not what you meant then i am sorry but it happen alot that people think like that. if someone likes europen feature fine but that does not make others ugly
Sometimes when my bf and I are fucking my belly or arm fat does this thing where it makes a noise sort of like a fart, and I get really, really embarrassed- like want to hide my face and cry embarrassed. Has any of your partners ever had this happen? Was it a turn off for you?
Guys, farts and random fat suction/slapping noises happen during sex. Yes, it’s happened to me. No, I barely cared/noticed and no one else would either.
hey i was reading your whole blog love but i have to say one thin. on febarary 5 th some asked you about why it seems that Caucasian guy not not going after other races of bbw and you answer deeply offended me. you said your own taste is toward "pretty black" / latina. what is "pretty black" saying there is a pretty black type suggest their is an "ugly black" type. just because one does not fit you type does not make them ugly.
I'm curious, I know some guys are ass men, and some guys are boob men. But I also noticed that for FA's that there is more to it than just a nice butt or tits. What really revs your motor on a fat girl? :) Hope that's not too personal. I'm a big fan of this blog and so is my husband.
One thing that got a little convoluted in the Voice article (which BTW, congratulations again to author and pal Camille Dodero getting nominated for an AltWeeklies award for it!) was that I’m an “arms guy.” I love fat upper arms, sometimes even more than boobies, though my body part fascinations shift from week to week and there is indeed more to the complicated and sexy fat body than mere T&A.
I should state for the record that I don’t really condone dudes identifying themselves publicly by a woman’s body part they’re particularly obsessed with, mostly because a self-professed ass man is usually known to date a belly girl as well and it’s just shitty to make her go around knowing you’re only settling for her shape. FAs’ tastes in shape and size are more fluid than they seem (or even say) and it’s important for that to be well-known. But just for fun I’ll rattle off a new fave: chubby wrists. Probably gonna obsess on those for a week before I go back to tits or chins or something.
(2) doesn’t like belly play, and your answer isn’t appropriate if that’s the case. however, unless the anon comes back and clarifies that she did mean that (and even then, she asked for advice on getting more comfortable, and it’s not exactly a case where you should advise her to be like, TELL HIM TO GTFO OMG), then i don’t think your response was problematic. (sorry if the first part sent twice argh)
Yeah, it wasn’t really a helpful answer. But belly play isn’t really a complicated thing, for me it’s more of a nonchalant thing I’ll find myself doing at this point than a course on the sex menu. Actually maybe that would help if the husband idly grabbed her belly just standing behind her in the kitchen or waiting in line at a movie theatre to help desensitize her to the idea that it’s any different from rubbing someone’s back or kissing them in public?
(1) i can see how your response could be taken in a sexist way, like, "your husband loves your belly so just get over it and let him do what he wants"- but it was implied that the person would like to have him do that in the future, so i personally didn't feel that it came off that way. like, i think it depends on the question itself, since i took it as she didn’t like it because she was uncomfortable in her body, and i think you probably did too- but she could have also meant that she just
My weight is around 280 pounds. I not only have confidence issues with my weight, but with my looks as well. I've never thought of myself as a pretty girl. I've heard everything from the typical "You've got a pretty face, but you would be even prettier if you lost weight" to "She lost out in looks and body". What's the best way to look past it all and build my confidence?
You just kind of do it I guess? If you’re not confident in your looks, try framing them in different ways, new hairstyle, glasses, clothes, belts, makeup, the way you orient your shape.
As a balding 5’6 dude with a giraffe neck and hands like a toddler’s, I can tell you it was a long time the arduous process of both grooming and styling myself to my own liking and just growing into my own skin and accepting the limitations of how I look in general. I know girls have it ten thousand times worse in judgmental society (I hope you punched the ‘she lost out’ person in the ear) but you’ve probably heard the worst that it gets and people only get less outwardly horrible as you get older. (Inwardly’s a whole other story)
What do you do when the medical field keeps pushing the whole health issue on us saying that 160 is overweight, or women must be around this weight and if not then overtime things will get worst? I am a lover of fat women and I feel like this epidemic of being thin will get to a point where those of us who are Fat admirer's will have to hide again.
That’s a cute dumbass little trick you did there inverting “this epidemic of being thin.” Why the fuck would you have to hide? The medical field “pushes” that smoking eventually kills you and people who date smokers don’t go into hiding? It’s their job to urge people to be healthy, that has absolutely nothing to do with loving fat women.
If anyone has beef here it’s with the numbers and stats, which are definitely not for me to say because I am not a doctor, though I would like to meet the doctor who says a woman is in grave danger for weighing 160 lbs.
i have spent many years single because i wanted to wait for a man i truly wanted and who wanted me. NEVER BE IN A RELATIONSHIP JUST TO HAVE SOMEONE! i have had an active sex life, on my terms, the whole time but a worthwhile man is much harder to find. develop yourself and be ok waiting. it's ok to find outlets for your natural sexual energy. and finally, the stars aligned. a man who deserves me has finally returned my interest and it was worth the waiting. you deserve to be treated like a queen
I think people should “wait” mentally but take chances on interested parties as often as possible. Just keep your options open and don’t hitch your wagon to someone so quickly that you can’t make the mental preparations to scoot when and if unreasonable differences pop up, especially early on.
I think your answer was OK. I mean, she said she's fond of your blog, so she should be accustomed to your sometimes playfully "rude" humor. Someone called you sexist... come on, you just said that her husband loves her and she should just relax to feel better. What else there was to say? You'd have said the same thing to a man. PS you might consider Dragon Naturallyspeaking, Siri on an iPhone or something like that if you want to keep producing text and let your hands rest.
I think I’m way harsher on dudes, but I wish 75% more of the questions came from them, since I can advise from firsthand experience and they really need to learn shit. It feels like girls and LGBT folks are the only ones attempting to better themselves a lot of the time. And I am wayyy, way too poor for an iPhone.
Was that last post really dick? I’m sorry about that, didn’t mean for it to be. What’s there to say? When you’re married til-death-do-you-part to someone who loves you inside and out, I hope that your love for yourself can only grow exponentially knowing that someone else loves you so much they pledged their life to you. I’d hate to tell this person that many of the people who read my blog have never known that kind of love, and have worse problems. But it’s the sort of situation that, barring some body-image-focused therapy, resolves itself. Was trying to be playful in spirit and give the girl a pep talk. Now I came off like I think husbands are entitled to their wives’ bodies. I don’t.
Here’s a problem: I love writing this blog and helping you guys out when you say you need my help. But it’s increasingly hard to be myself, to be tough on the people who need it. I’m losing my voice a bit. I prefer to talk to you guys like you’re my friends. And I talk to my friends very differently than I talk on this blog by now. I hate putting people off but I love being provocative. And this has been a really tough year for me. Another problem is that paid writing takes up a lot of my time, time that I have even less of because I’m making a record. I’ve been too tired to give the insights required to keep this thing at full-quality. So I’m figuring out what to do about this. Considering audio or video posts so that my hands don’t get tired.
My husband loves my belly. I am not so fond of it personally... is there any advice you can give me that might help me be more comfortable letting him touch and play with my big belly? (Also, I love your blog, you are fantastic!)
Yeah, here’s my advice: he married you and he loves your fucking fat. When you’re next feeling nervy, hand the belly over and let him do his thing. Try to relax and feel what he feels. I don’t see how it can’t only improve from here.
EDIT: Don’t feel good about my original post. The tone sounded right at the time and didn’t after negative feedback. Also edited to better mean what I meant. I don’t think husbands are entitled to their wife’s body.
I posted awhile ago about having inverted nipples and feeling extremely uncomfortable showing my boobs to anyone. I recently hooked up with a guy and slept all night with him, COMPLETELY naked. He didn't say anything about them, he actually seemed to be a big fan of my boobs :D. Plus, he is a super in shape tennis instructor and despite that, I still felt completely comfortable with my body (innie nipples, dimples, tummy, flabbiness, and all).
It’s funny, immediately after that column a girl who I’ve seen naked told me matter-of-factly that her nipples were inverted and I’d never even noticed.
Thank you so much for the update, I don’t get many of those and I’m always glad to discover that I’m not just bullshitting you guys. Annnd that hookup sounds pretty hot.
There is this guy who I like. The problem is that he tells my brother (who is smaller than me in size) to lose weight. He won't say anything to me but I don't know what to think. He is always flirting with me and I've seen him flirt with other big girls but he only dates skinny chicks. Should I just move on?
Next time he strikes up a flirty chat, ask him why he gives your brother shit about weight but not you. Then ask him why he only dates skinny chicks. Then move on.
Are those like, slimming spandex or something? People should wear whatever they want, weigh whatever they want, dress however they want. My only concern is the idea that someone would need [item that makes you look slimmer] just to look good by some kind of nonexistent universal rulebook, because they don’t.
I am in a bit of a situation with my fiance. She is a beautiful big woman and I am a admirer. She weighs in the early 200's now. See thats my concern, she feels that she has to drop a big amount of weight just to feel better about herself, when in the past shes never been so foward about it before. We go to the gym which is nice and good but I feel she's going to get obsessed with going and I wont be as attracted to her as I am now. Am I a dick for thinking this or is there a better solution?
If you’re a dick, then save her from you. Sit down with her and tell her seriously that you’re unlikely to be as physically attracted to her if she drops the weight, and you wanted to address this before you get married to save you both from the embarrassment of going through a sham wedding. Ask if there’s anything that can be done to change her mind. Going to the gym and being healthy doesn’t have to mean losing weight.
If you can’t bear the thought of marrying THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE for losing weight then have this talk with her and let you both find someone you’re happy with. And for god’s sake make sure you have this conversation inside and out with the next girl before you buy a ring.
Ok so I'm brand new to dating of any kind. I'm a fat girl and have never really been interested in the idea. I was much more interested in my geeky activities (Buffy! Harry Potter! Terry Pratchett! The Internet! Dr Who!), to really care about wanting someone else. Now I want to try dating. My question is how the hell do I get started? I'm bisexual so I was thrilled to see you have posts for both men and women, I just... don't know what to do? God that sounds stupid but it's true. Help?
Buffy is better than dating, I assure you. I’ve never really dated. You set the terms really. If dinner and a movie doesn’t sound good (a movie theater isn’t an ideal place to get to know someone), have him or her over to watch Buffy. In terms of meeting people, see the links on the left.
Black guys you mean? That is a popular theory, and the answer is classism. At some point in Western history I don’t care to look up, fat bodies were mostly considered desirable and represented wealth. I think in some African and Middle Eastern nations they still may. With the advent of McDonalds, getting fat became easy and now prosperity is represented by one’s ability to afford a personal trainer, which in our pasty-ass nation is a tendency closer to the 1%.
So it’s assumed that lower-class proles (typically understood to be black) are either more desensitized to fatties or can’t do any better. The real difference is just that white people are more secretive about it. I don’t know of any black closet FAs, though I’m never surprised anymore.
EDIT: Not saying classism is why black guys like fat girls. I’m saying why it’s an assumed stereotype. He asked why it “seems like more black guys like BBW.” Race isn’t a factor in liking fat girls. It just appears that way for the cultural reasons I mentioned.
(part 2) even my husband always dated thinner women.. and this gave me both a sense of power but deep inside picked at my self esteem because i worried more about how i looked naked vs the smaller girls.. maybe it is because i portray the image of someone who loves their body, and for the most part i do.. but i just wonder what your thoughts on the matter are.
You sound pretty normal to me. Just like the average person isn’t really represented in the media, neither is the average attraction, which spans a greater range than we are told and you’d think that conclusion would be brought to light by now considering how many married fat people there are.
Oh you mean they’re all just really in love with their partner’s mind? Give me a break, they jiggle it.
this really isn't an ask or a plea for advice, just something i wanted you thoughts on.. i've a bigger girl.. currently in the low 200's, but i have been 300.. so all over.. and from the time i got out of high school, i had never had an issue attracting men. but here is where i seem to get confused, because society has always taught me that some guys like thin girls, some guys like big girls.. i was the first "chubby chic" for all of but one of my ex bf's.. (to be continued)
I fail to see what's so hard to understand about the concept of 'love my body, but not ONLY my body'. No one wants to feel like their body is the ONLY thing going for them, nor do they want to feel like it's the only thing that's NOT going for them. It's a balance.
Question about fetishes: I don't necessarily like fat chicks, but I love girls with a belly, big or small. Along with that sexual preference however, weight gain and stuffing (a girl eating a lot) turn me on too (a lot). Are weight gain and stuffing considered fetishes? Or are they just turn-ons/kinks?
Is there a difference between “fetishes” and “kinks” other than the former has an uglier reputation? Call it what you want but you’re into auxilliary bedroom activity either way; it happens to the best of us.
In regard's to the previous anon: I don't understand the sentiment wanting to be loved "not because of or in spite of" your body. I hear that all the time. Part of a relationship is that desire to be desired by your partner. Sex is important. Who doesn't want to feel wanted on a carnal level from time to time?
Lotsa women are understandably jaded about feeling used for their body in a shallow society. I assume that worry makes people lose sight sometimes of why physical attraction’s there in the first place?
Ok, So I guess what I want to say... not ASK is: I have no idea if I qualify as 'fat' under your terms. But I do know that people see me that way. I don't want whoever I am in a relationship with to want be with me because OR despite my 'fattness'. Is it too much to ask to be liked for who I am first, and what I look like second? Ok, maybe I have a question. If we are still discussing women's bodies, as if they are candour for the public, are we not still objectifying them?
Objectification. OK. Objectification is inevitable. The best we can do is objectify people equally and only under the appropriate circumstances, like publicly (“your boobs look nice today!”) with permission or privately (mentally) without it.
My blog’s about dating and body image and how one impacts the other. It’s also about being frank about people’s real rather than theoretical preferences. So I don’t really give a shit if people are offended by the way objectification is discussed under that framework. Women’s bodies are discussed by my band at band practice; they’re discussed by feminist theory professors. Let’s subject men’s bodies to the same kind of scrutiny and level the playing field instead of insisting on the impossible: that people shut up. They won’t.
I’m against one type of person being objectified and held down by the media and the government and the workplace and awful places to live where it is considered okay to rape or kill over infidelity. But discussion is not the problem. More discussion needs to take place, and the smarter people need to influence the dumber people so we can all reach a social level that the world can agree is civilized. I’m talking like an insane person. Whatever.
Your mental and physical body are inseparable so there’s no need to worry about which one someone likes “first”. They’re either giving equal time to both or they’re not. They’re either treating you well or they’re not. They’re either listening to you when you tell them to do (or not to do) something or they’re not. Don’t worry about what you want on paper. Just chase all available options and if you like someone, work out the kinks later. Don’t worry about if “I” think you’re fat either. Everyone has different standards of this, even though I’ve tried to present a semi-objective idea of “fat” on this blog as though I know what the world considers “fat”. I sort of know, but I’m always continually surprised; i.e. I know a girl who I consider unquestionably thin but my friend considers chub.
Since most people fall between the two, and one’s “fatness” isn’t and should never be a quality judgment, the only time that this matters is when writing one’s personal ad, and I think that’s a matter of trial and error—depending on the site, try both at different times and go with the description that’s getting you the most attention.
Hello, So i just wanted to say that my name is David and I love fat/curvy girls. As long as i could remember i have always been attracted to woman who had some meat on them. I now am currently 22 and i am in love with a beatiful girl who is 300 pounds and is so fucking sexy. I love every thing about who she is as a person and who she is physically. Recently i proposed to her and she is now my fiancee. So girls don't worry, believe me onde day there will be a man who will love you and your body