Basically, I've never been attracted a thin guy. At 5'11 & 250lbs, I always just felt a little too big for that, so I stuck to thick guys. But recently, I've reconnected with a once-big-but-now-thin guy who is GORGEOUS. On several occasions, he's wanted to be intimate, but I honestly feel like I'd squish him! Any advice for me on general confidence? I feel so dumb even asking, but I still can't quite get myself to admit I'm attractive to him.
What’s wrong with squishing him? If people can believe tiny cheerleaders want to be crushed by huge quarterbacks, why can’t people believe thin guys want fat girls on top of them? Get with the times, gender roles.
Is there something really wrong with me that I can't get messages or replies on a BBW "friendly" site or even craigslist Casual Encounters? Guys offline ignore me as well...or they're mean. (I'm in my late 20s, btw.)
I’d have to see your ad to tell you what’s wrong with it.
hello :~) I am 14 years young and 5'4 and 153-154 lbs. I consider myself fat but other people don't, they consider me chubby or not fat at all. I think I'm 20lbs. overweight, but 2 questions: 1. would you consider me fat..? 2. do guys get more mature after high school..? thank you, have a terrific day, xoxo
1. You’re not fat.
2. Enough guys mature after high school that you’ll have your pick.
i cannot get it through my head that someone could be attracted to me regardless of (or because of!) my weight. i feel like i have to make up for the fact that i'm a fattie by showing i have a nice personality and that i can be a good friend. that's all i think i can be to men-- a good friend. never the romantic interest. it's so frustrating. so this is kind of just a declaration of personal issues, but also a thank you for doing this and helping me see that there are people out there like you.
It sucks that I’m needed but whatever gets the job done. Squeeze your guts. Soft? Dudes like that.
Isn't it awkward when big girls are saying "fat girls aren't different from thin girls" and then are shocked that we find them attractive ? were they expecting a white knight who loves her personality and "forgive" her body ?
Re: Fat girl who likes skinny dudes. As a fellow fat chick who digs the skinny dudes, I agree. It's a bit of a mindfuck. Seeing a skinny dude (or hell, even fit/cut dude) with a fat chick for some people has a "WTF?" reaction. Someone who is socially acceptable with a someone who isn't socially acceptable?! Quelle scandale! It's also a much more interesting visual contrast than standard average on average. How boring is that?
I mean you could call it more “interesting” like the way it would be “interesting” when a double-fatty couple punches you in the face.
It's so very true. It DOES get better after high school. I've been a fat chick my whole life and my hardest years were 7th - 10th grade. It started getting a bit better senior year, but then after high school you go to college (or to the work place) and that is where adults are. Not immature little brats. Granted there will be some, forever, no matter the age, time, or place, but it DOES GET BETTER after high school <3
At very least it starts becoming illegal to just harass someone in adult life.
It's really encouraging to know that there truly is somebody for everybody. But it's upsetting that boys in my high school, or any, are so inclined to fall for the thinner girls. To each their own, but I'm left to wonder how long it will take for me to encounter someone who sees what I see when I look in a mirror. It's not like I could go online looking for this person, seeing as though I'm not an adult yet. I guess this isn't exactly an "ask", but thanks for listening.
If there’s anything we should have all learned from Katy Perry’s “Firework” it’s that IT GETS BETTER after high school.
I'm a fat girl who finds myself and other fat girls beautiful, but I'm not attracted to fat guys. If anything I like really skinny guys, more along your physique. Is that really hypocritical? I know that's a silly question, but I can't help but feel shitty about it sometimes.
No. Not hypocritical. We can’t control what we’re attracted to. And contrast between fat girls and thin guys is hot.
Hello. I, too, enjoy fat girls. And bellies. I am always having to re-assure beautiful girlfriend that she is not fat. She is 5'6" and just exercised her way from 135 to nearly 120. At 135, she was crazy hot, even though I'd like if she were bigger. Now...I still love her and nothing could change that, but her once soft belly is pretty much gone and she's boney. She wants to stay that small. How can I kindly encourage her weight gain without infringing upon her rights?
Really, ten pounds difference and she goes from soft-bellied to bony? I’m sure your girlfriend’s beautiful but if she feels the need to lose weight at the massively obese size of 135 pounds, I don’t think she’s going to gain for you. Let her find someone who appreciates her size. I mean you don’t have to, not if you “love her and nothing could change that.” But why torture yourself with the notion of never sleeping with anyone else ever again, and her with a dude who only appreciates her despite her size? Love her as a friend and break it off for both your sakes.
I started seeing this guy (well tbh its more of a booty call situation which is fine with me altho we occasionally date). We used to date more seriously a few years ago but it fizzled out. Anyway, 5 yrs on we hook up again. I have always been big but I've put on a bit more weight. So since we started to hook up again he is always telling me I am too big and being negative and the next minute telling me I feel nice or I'm so pretty. Whats the deal? Douche Bag, Closet FA or is he just confused?
It sounds like he’s not into you unless he wants something. Unless you really need his dick I’d find another more grateful one.
This tag is to get to know the person behind the blog better. As with any tagging game there are rules:
Rule 1 - post the rules
Rule 2 - Answer the questions the tagger set for you in their post and then make 11 new ones
Rule 3 - Tag 11 people and link them to your post
Rule 4 - Let them know you’ve tagged them!
1. Your top favorite band ever?
Sonic Youth. Or Sleater-Kinney. Or The Dismemberment Plan. Or Liz Phair. Or Lil Wayne.
2. Have you seen them in concert?
All but Weezy.
3. What would your day look like if you turned into a dog?
Not differently really. Eating, laying in bed, performing tasks for strange people.
4. How long would it take for you to get sick of your favorite drink?
Wouldn’t my favorite drink have to be the one I least tire of? I always have room for skim milk and water. If we’re being fun, horchatas and vodka tonics endure when they’re well-made. Oh, and egg creams are spectacular. I can’t think of a time when an egg cream was made available to me and I didn’t accept and let it into my body.
5. What was your initial reaction to being tagged in this?
Ash is a cuntface.
6. What creeps you out the easiest?
I lost my virginity to a stalker. It’s pretty hard to creep me out at this point.
7. What is one thing you have done that you are most proud of?
Any time someone tells me this blog helped them it justifies my narcissism a liiiitle bit more. And I’m very, very proud of my band.
8. Name eight names that mean something to you.
Boatwright, F Baby, Greene, Phair, Sena, Skolnik, Sweet, Weber
9. Thoughts on body positivity?
You only get one body, what’s the point of not doing everything you can to learn to love and enjoy living in it?
10. If you could learn any instrument what would it be and why?
I really, really, really wish I could use a kick drum. I have such a fancy sense of rhythm from years of listening to Afropop and Aphex Twin and rapping and programming beats and I just can’t can’t can’t make it happen for the life of me with my fucking foot.
11. Your catch phrase?
"More like [awful pun]"
Here are my questions.
Oh fuck, I just answered all the wrong questions. I’ll do these too, tevs.
1. Can you read a topographic map?
Yes. I think.
2. Have you ever gone caving?
Once. I think.
3. Did you or do you think you would like caving and why?
Who the fuck cares Ashley.
4. How do you feel about fish sauce?
I prefer hoisin sauce.
5. Whats your favorite job you’ve ever had?
Working at CD World, 2002, $5.50 an hour. Also being paid to write and rock is great.
6. What made your best sexual experience your best sexual experience?
7. What is your funniest sexual experience?
"There’s cum on my passport."
8. Right or left handed?
Left. Play guitar righty though.
9. Can you bake a cheesecake?
I don’t feel this would be out of my skill set if I looked at a recipe.
10. Do you like smoking pot?
I do! Blunts, please. Bongs burn my throat. Gravity bongs make me roll around and throw up.
11. Whats your favorite place you’ve ever visited and why?
EDIT: oh, special note that i just noticed: number rankings were stuck in by editor, not me. I don’t really do numerical girlrankings and if I did this wouldn’t necessarily be the order. A/K/A Maya Ford would be wayyyyyyyyyyyy higher.
There's a guy in my life. He's a very good friend of mine aside from the situation, who I've actually liked for a long time, and he's always been really handsy with me. Not in an overly inappropriate way, but he'll grab on my belly and generally squish on my softer parts whenever we're alone. He's actively a good friend, and he's not ashamed of being a friend and he'll actually stand up for me publicly, but he says he 'doesnt date fat chicks'. I'm really unsure about what to do. :c
Shove his hands off your belly and ask loudly why the fuck not?
I would serioiusly suggest that anyone feeling disconnected from their body, or preoccupied by what others may think, should take up yoga, or any other means of body movement that makes you feel good, but especially yoga. You have to be focused on being present in your body (an breathing) in such a way that it really helps change your perspective. If you eat well, are active in a way that is comfortable, and generally good to yourself, I promise you will stop caring what anyone thinks.
How do I stop caring what other people think of my body?
Dan Savage recently referenced a woman who had a little twist on the IT GETS BETTER campaign that went something like this: “Actually, it doesn’t get better. You get stronger.”
It’s true, though for many people it does actually get better. The others get tougher, learn to tune shit out, and are hopefully finding counseling and planning sane ways to get to the next, happier step of their life. This could mean getting involved with online support groups, getting a new job, or moving to a new place entirely. But in your case you’ll probably just have more and more experience with guys and eventually stop worrying about the dumb little shit they do to you.
Hello! [Disclaimer: not entitled nor ungrateful] I'm a thin girl with a curvy but naturally toned body. I eat a lot and have always been pre-occupied with weight gain. It turns me on. I have been with an FA for a while and he occasionally makes comments like: "You don't have much of a tummy. It kinda sucks." and the like. He claims he'll love my body regardless...but should I be worried? I love his tummy fetish (turns me on), but is it likely my thinness will be a deal-breaker in the long run?
I mean if you and your boyfriend are both turned on by weightgain it doesn’t sound like your thinness will be a dealbreaker for long. Guy should never tell you something on your body “sucks” though.
Do you have any advice for a 17 y/o trying to find someone that is truly into them? All of them? Every guy that has ever talked to me has wanted sex. I guess they think fat girls are easy because they have no self-esteem. But I'm nothing like that.
Guys at your age only want one thing. I’m super sorry to say. You should wait until college; either forgo more serious dating hopes or play around with sex in the meantime. When you’re 18 you can also date older guys, not that there’s any guarantee that they’re more mature or less obsessed with sex. Either way, only do something if you’re sure you want to, and if you’re not getting the results or options that you want right now, put boys on the backburner for a bit. No need to compromise if you’re not feeling it. And it’s fantastic that your self-esteem’s in the clear.
I am a fat girl. The guy I'm sleeping with claims to like fat girls. But when we're getting physical, he totally ignores my belly. And he always wants to do it doggystyle, so I'm getting paranoid that he actually doesn't like looking at my rolls. He does really seem to like my butt though. He's always grabbing it and complimenting it ("the world's all-time greatest thing" he called it). Am I being ridiculous to worry that the front half of my body is a turn-off?
Not ridiculous at all. So you have a choice: put his hands on your belly and tell him you want it grabbed and played with and to fuck in other positions. This may risk him telling you he doesn’t like your belly or some shit. Or continue having doggy all the time and getting half your fulfillment on the regular. I think if you’re bored enough to ask me, you’re bored enough to ask him.
I'm a mid-200s fat girl and I've never had any trouble finding dudes. What I do have trouble with is finding good, fat friends. I don't know what it is, but my friends tend to talk about sex constantly. Don't get me wrong, I love to boy-gossip, but come on, sometimes I just want to talk french literature. How do I steer our conversations away from sex, knowing they don't get to talk about their sex lives often with other, thinner friends?
"I know this is gonna sound silly or make me look like a dick but I need a break from all the dick talk for a bit. It’s boring me and I’m interested in talking about French literature and all this other shit right now."
But also, why do you need to talk about French literature specifically with your fat friends? People can’t be everyone to everyone; you should join a book club or meet some French lit friends. Maybe just minimize your time with the sex-crazed fatties when you’re not feeling so sex-crazed and spend more time talking to others who share the interests you’re prioritizing. No need to feel bad, just quietly abstain from shitting on their party while you start other ones on the side.
why do hourglasses and pears get all the attention? i feel like there's no love for apple-y big girls who aren't huge (i.e. huge bellies) but just chubby just in the middle..
My guess has always been that T&A are (secondary but still) sexual characteristics that we’re born to care about in the first place. Viewing bodies as desirable for childbirth and all that blah blah blah. It’s also conventionally acceptable to brag about the fat parts that non-FAs can relate to I suppose, which makes those guys louder. But many FAs love belly-heavy shapes and aren’t as married to just one body type as they may think or act.
So this blog that Janssen has just brought to my attention will be a guilty pleasure for me to sit back and watch. Closet homosexuality is sometimes necessary to avoid serious life-or-death repercussions. Closet fat-chick-liking is rarely explained by more than being a pussy around one’s buddies. This thing could end up as an enormous trainwreck, but hopefully it’s at least fun before the lawsuits start flinging back and forth.
To the 27yo virgin: I was a 25yo virgin. I put an ad in the "casual encounters" section of craigslist asking for guys who like fat chicks. I got over 50 emails in 8 hours-- lots of creeps, but I found a few good-seeming guys. Met a guy, was really nervous, but ended up having an AWESOME time. He was so gentle and nice. I recommend "casual encounters" because then sex is already assumed; you don't have to worry about whether it'll happen this time. Be safe, but just go for it!
I’ve always said this but I’m glad to see a girl vouching for it. Craigslist puts off a lot of people I know but I’ve had three good-to-great real-life meetups (yup, from the casual encounters section) and the occasional creepflake who doesn’t get past conversation one. As long as you’re rigorous about screening and do your best to be safe (meet first at a public place during normal hours, give a friend the address you’re fucking at, bring condoms, pepper spray), Craigslist can be as good as any other meeting site. It’s very random and you will wade through lots of creeps in between point A and B though.
I've been exchanging emails with this FA. He looks really attractive in his pics, and the fantasies he describes are SO in line with my own. I'm thinking of meeting up with him. But the thing is, he's very closeted. And he's made it clear he wants to stay that way. So I'm a bit turned off by that. BUT I'm not looking for a relationship right now, anyway -- just sex. And... his pics are hot. Should we hook up, even though he's probably an insecure douche? I feel like I'm rewarding his cowardice.
Use him for sex, the only thing closet FAs are good for. And once you’re closer with him, feel free to embarrass him in front of his friends. But no seriously, if he’s not douchey to you in one-on-one encounters and you don’t expect anything socially out of him, fuck him brainless. Cut him off when indignities arise. If it makes you feel gross to be with him for rewarding his cowardice, then you can always stop. But I always say it’s worth a shot; he might treat you really well in the bedroom despite his obvious social retardation.
I have been fat for pretty much my entire life and have never had a boyfriend, so I'm a 27 year old virgin. I always attributed men's lack of interest to my weight and my incredibly low self-esteem which makes me painfully shy. Reading this blog gives me some hope.
Lots of nonvirgins have never had boyfriends, lots of virgins have had them and lots (LOTS) of fat people have experienced either and both. In your case it’s probably a mix of the shyness/low self-esteem and bad luck. My advice is to try ways you normally wouldn’t to meet men to talk to, and take a few risks (within your comfort capacity) that wouldn’t mortify you. Be prepared to get hurt a bunch, but more importantly, be prepared to soldier on anyway. Protect yourself, but you have to put yourself out there. It’s a tough balance.
I've been with my boyfriend for about a month. I thought he liked my body type before we started dating, and that's one of the reasons I decided to go for it. (I'm 5'11", pretty tall for a girl, and very curvy..) but lately I've been having some serious doubts. He says I'm pretty not all too often, usually calls me "cute" which you know is what people say just to be nice (or so I've thought). How do I... sort of ask him? (If he likes my body type.) I don't want to be too blunt or anything...
Have you fucked? If so, what does he hold onto? What does he grab for when you’re not fucking?
You can ask him point blank but I don’t really see the good in it. “No, honey, I don’t like your body type—but you are cute!”
If he’s not touching you too much or in the way that you want, politely ask if something’s wrong and that you noticed he hasn’t been grabbing your junk as much. If he’s not complimenting you enough, try complementing him a bunch on his body and see if he picks up on it and reciprocates. If not, you may not even have to ask him if he’s into your body type, you can merely tell him your needs aren’t being met and he’ll have to work a little harder to keep you satisfied and interested. And when he asks what to do, that’s when you tell him how you’d like to be touched and complimented.
not call you beautiful. I could actually go on forever about these girls, but I've already gone over the ask limit once. This whole opinion by the way, is coming from a liberal woman.
I’m surprised I don’t get called bullshit on more honestly, I’m a straight white dude with relatively conventional tastes who listens to a lot of Odd Future. And a good portion of this blog is just stating the obvious (albeit what’s obvious to me isn’t always obvious for someone who hasn’t received proper validation in their life that they’re fine Just The Way They Are and I’m happy to be the one to help push them towards self-acceptance if nothing else has worked for them thus far).
The term BBW (which I’ve always hated - it’s four syllables aloud and “fat” is just one) is pretty outmoded but it’s still culturally relevant, i.e. if a reader was to look for fat admirers on OKCupid she’d be self-defeating to not use “BBW” as a search term. It’s going to exist for a while regardless of what we think.
It’s not a fetish thing but there’s also nothing wrong with fetishes, as long as we’re classifying everything properly.
Some people would probably say you’re not liberal and that I’m not either. Oh well, labels.
what do you think about the fat chicks who have started saying this blog is "dehumanizing and disgusting?" The whole thing is ridiculous. There's nothing wrong with what you're doing. you're giving plus size women advice. I mean, these are the girls who somehow think that BBW has a negative connotation, and flip shit if someone were to call them that? being considered a bbw, is NOT fetish thing, people will still like you FOR you. if you're big and a woman, you're basically telling people to....
I am 21yr old, 230lbs and 5'4", for the most part I am extremely comfortable with myself and my body. BUT I have inverted nipples... which means they stick in instead of out. Because of this I never let guys feel me up or take off my top during sex. This obviously turns off some guys. Should I tell them why I don't feel comfortable or should I just take my bra off and let them find put for themselves? My nipples are something I am very embarrassed about and I'm afraid guys will be disgusted.
I’d say you should start getting serious about judging character to make your decision here. Try and get a feel for the dude you’re taking home and if he’s been a complete dickhole about any exes’ body traits. Maybe come up with a roundabout way to ask about that. You’re not going to feel comfortable showing every guy, though it would be great if you wouldn’t let it bother you. I’ll say this:
1. More guys will probably be more turned off by not being able to see your boobs than inverted nipples
2. Ones who will both be deemed suitable for you to take home AND be a sudden asshole about your inverted nipples are unlikely.
Let them find out for themselves unless you have a sneaking suspicion they’re the type who needs a warning. If you meet a lot of guys online, that’s more casual and maybe safer to throw something like that out there in advance of meeting at all (why do you think so many dudes proffer their wacky fetishes that way?). Just remember to judge person-to-person and it’s worth questioning fucking someone at all if you have even the slightest intuition that they’re going to be an asshole about something as meaningless as the protrusion of your nipples.
I just want to say thank you for the village voice article. I've always adored fat women, and I've never been in the closet about it, but I never really had the words to express it when asked about it. Your article helped me express my love for fat women beyond simply saying, "That's how I'm wired." Plus it helped my girlfriend feel more comfortable with her body, after years of her mother telling her how fat and disgusting she is. Thank you again, so much, from both of us.
Perhaps I should change the name of my blog to "the magic list of homosapiens with the chromosomes, and or psychological factors determined before birth uncontrolled by the sentient, which are determined to be male, who like homosapiens with the chromosomes, and or psychological factors determined before birth uncontrolled by the sentient, which are determined to be female, who are sexually attracted to other homosapiens of the same or opposite sex who are fat". Yeah, that rolls off the tongue.
Hey! I wanted to say a thing to the Asian girl with the judgmental family-- it's going to be hard. I can't even remember the last time my dad called me by my real name. He calls me the Vietnamese word for, "fat". He'll say, "Oh where is FAT going?" I've dealt with it all my life and that doesn't mean it makes it any easier. You just kind of brush it off. I moved out and I still deal with it. Let them speak. Love you for you. They are blood but if you have a strong mentality, it ain't no thang!
I recently just found your blog, and I found it disgustingly offensive and you cast the same judgmental feelings that plague those who are deemed unattractive according to social constructs. Based on what I read from your posts, you have a stunted and immature view on what a woman really is. It's a shame, really.
Could you show me where or some examples that you disagreed with? Hard to really respond or defend myself against a blanket general statement…
Some conflict of interest! My band is now on Tumblr. We’re also playing at Philly’s own North Star Bar on Saturday, April 14 with Tim Fite and Angela Sheik. We’d love those in the area to come check us out (and feel free to say hi!). It’s $10 and 21+ (sorry teens!). And yes this has been cutting into my Ask a Guy time, though in no way will I be quitting anytime soon.
Hey Man, I know I am a little late to the party on the village voice piece, but thanks for that. I have been attracted to fat girls all my life and currently live with one. However, she has never met my family because I know how judgmental they are of fat people--it is almost a negative obsession with them. How did you get past that judging and accept what you are attracted to and not care about other's opinions?
Give her some preparation and introduce her to your family, unless she already knows about them and has asked you not to. Let the chips fall where they may and be mature and brave if and when you need to pull them aside one-by-one at Thanksgiving and tell them strictly enough that they have to treat anyone you bring home with the utmost respect or else you’re done coming home to Thanksgiving.
So I'm a fat female and I'm wondering how one can tell when a guy genuinely thinks your attractive and when he's just being an asshole. Cause being 21, I've experience much more of the latter and I fear that I'm pushing away guys that might actually like me because I don't want to be the butt of someones cruel joke.
Unless he’s barely able to suppress his giggles and you can see his piece-of-shit buddies awaiting your reaction out the corner of your eye, you should really suck it up and take the risk. You absolutely never know. And in the off-chance you’re being pranked (I’ve never known even one girl in real life who’s aware that she was ever “hogged” or tricked by a dude - just people who were harassed on the street by obvious trolls), that’s what throwing your drink in a cockstain’s face is for.
I was at that magnetic fields show!!!! I also want to say I love your blog! Since I came across this I've been putting myself out there in ways I had never imagined, and I've realized that I should not settle for anyone. I grew up with this fear that there are only a limited amount of people in this world who could love or even be attracted someone like me, and to hold onto anyone regardless of how I truly felt. I'm getting past that--Thank you!
That’s great, I’m glad to have helped. Obviously keep doing what’s working for you.
OK, question for the ladies. How do you wants your looks complimented if you're a big girl? So many adjectives are used in a negative way. I just want a girl to know she's being flattered when I make a reference to her big figure.
This is a combination of asking the girl herself and helping reinforce (or introduce from scratch) her to words like fat, plump, chubby etc. being used in a positive way. If she explicitly tells you she hates being called a word, heed what she says. But that doesn’t mean you can’t link her to pages of other girls referring to themselves positively with that language and help coax her out of her issues more passively.
I was talking to a friend about the cellulite issue a while back. I've noticed that while I've always found bellies, love handles, and chubby girls beautiful, the things I'm not specifically attracted to, like cellulite or double chins, I found unappealing. That was just because it was ingrained in me to find those things unattractive. Now that I've become more open about what I like those things have just become neutral or part of the package. They no longer detract for me
This is sort of what happened for me too. As a kid I think I fantasized about girls who looked like a snowman. Circle belly and boobs. Miraculously enough, I grew to learn what real bodies look like and how all the crazy stuff that comes with fat ones like cellulite and stretch marks and uh, gravity has all coalesced into part of my turn-on as well. Not sure this happens with every guy—I think double chins are still a dealbreaker for a lot of people including even otherwise self-loving fatties who have one. But for the most part people get used to the uniquer aspects of bodies that they’ll be dating and getting to know for the rest of their lives.