I just came across your blog today and im not sure if you just follow back people that follow u but thank u so much for following me back. I really appreciate you (via your blog lol). Before I go- additional thanks for giving one of your followers the real deal about finding a guy (online, et cetera) and not some ole crap about being confident, blah, blah, blah. Also, I really like your writing style. ok thats enough- i hope that I have sufficiently told you i think you're cool. good night!
I used to listen to Dan Savage a lot but I heard a podcast of his once where he was blasting this one guy that tried to argue that homosexuality was wrong because homosexual partners didn't live as long, therefore it was totally unhealthy (which is complete bullshit, I agree), but then he (meaning Dan) turned it around by saying "well fat people are obviously unhealthy so let's ban fat marriage", which was out of line if you ask me, and he never apologized for it. What are your thoughts on this?
Dan Savage tends to distract people who care more about being offended by his rhetorical style than agreeing with his points. Recently he’s come under fire (well, glitter) for using the word “tranny”. I say fatties and skinnies. He calls himself a faggot, he calls fat people unhealthy, he calls skinny people bags of bones. He offends equally with tough love and a postmodern sense of humor. It’s not for everyone. Neither am I.
Contrary to what a sizable bubble of Tumblr believes, we don’t live in a world where we can afford to just cut off everyone we interact with who offends us from time to time. That’s why it’s worth saving your battles for the real enemies and developing a sense of humor about the rest.
Mind you, this doesn’t mean you should keep quiet about what you object to. But if you think Savage is smart and helpful and you stopped listening to him because of one generalization you disagreed with, I think you’re crazy personally.
Here’s an mp3 of Dan Savage telling an FA to grow a fucking dick and stop dating girls he’s not into to appease his family. “Nut up motherfucker, no sympathy.” Had the FA asked me, I would’ve repeated every word.
I do not own this so I’m posting without permission. I’ll gladly take it down if someone claims copyright blah blah blah.
Ulterior motive for posting this: to nip all that “Dan Savage hates fat people” shit in the fucking bud.
Ulterior ulterior motive for posting this: note the first time I can remember a gay dude drawing parallels between his sexuality and an FA’s rather than the other way around. He said it, not me.
You can download the entire original podcast it’s excerpted from here.
Do you listen to the Savage Love podcast? On this week's episode Dan Savage took a call from a 28-year-old closeted straight male FA and basically ripped him a new asshole, telling him to, "Nut up, motherfucker." Definitely worth a listen.
Dan Savage was the inspiration for this blog and a good lot of my attitude about sexual practices, ergo I’d be extremely happy if anyone wants to send me this or a link.
EDIT: Thanks! Listening now. Skip to 31 minutes in.
My girlfriend, who knows a lot more about clothes than me, says it’s “smaller than average” (which is size 16 apparently in America) and that it’s the lowest size Torrid sells. But sizes don’t reflect fatness. I’d say if you’re a size 12 and have a bunch of fat on your body you’re fat.
And I’d say if you’re asking that you shouldn’t care so much. Are there people who consider size 12 fat? There are people who consider size 6 fat.
Hi, it's me "anonymous" with the 6yr relationship & baby from about 10 days ago. I guess the reason it's hard for me to believe is because he HAS cheated on me in the past, & these 6 yrs have not, in any way, shape, or form, been easy or completely together. Perhaps I should have been more specific in my original post. That being said, now I feel like shit for being insecure, thank you, which leads me to believe that the problem isn't in my fat but in my mind. Guess I'll try & fix that 1st.
I don’t think he cheated because you’re fat. As people get less attracted to a partner that’s gained weight, they’re usually more vocal about their disgust and looking to escape. If he’s indeed staying with you and has consistently expressed support of your size, even with a child in the mix I’m inclined to think he cheated for other reasons. Couldn’t say though—you haven’t told me the circumstances of him cheating (thin girls or fat girls? one or many? long-term or one-offs? drunk accidents or carefully orchestrated?).
Believe it or not, most of the girls I know who’ve been involved in the fat-specific dating community have encountered if not all-out met up with at least one guy who turned out to have a wife or girlfriend—and often a thin or smaller one!
Anyway, your insecurities are nothing to be ashamed of—especially when your husband’s cheated on you—so don’t feel like shit. But I agree it never hurts to work on them.
Hello, so I've had my blog for over a month now and I just wanted to say thank you. :) Had you not done that interview on The Jay Thomas Show, I would not have my blog and all the overwhelming support I've gotten in such a short amount of time. You're awesome. :D
your blog is amazing! awesome to come across you and your girlfriend, it's brilliant to see a gorgeous, confident big girl and yourself for being so passionate about your taste in women. you remind me of me and my boyfriend, in the best possible way :) x
Rad, I also love that PJ Harvey pic you reblogged.
You are a music guy and you do have good taste in music. Because of you and your gf I discovered Lana Del Rey's music. I was wondering though, if you've heard of City and Colour/ Dallas Green? And if so what do you think of his music?
Haha it’s a good thing you didn’t discover her through SNL last week. I have not.
You and your girlfriend are amazing. I follow her blog and she's one of the most fabulous fat girls ever. Now, the question: I'm a fat girl, 290lbs, I love myself and think I'm pretty attractive. A while back, I filmed my boyfriend and I having sex. When I looked in the mirror, I looked hot as hell (to me) but when I watched the video, I was embarrassed by how gross I looked. He wanted to watch, but I wouldn't let him. I've seen pics with fat couples and it's hot. How come I'm not?
Everyone hates how they look in sex tapes, relax. Let him watch it, he’s your boyfriend, he obviously likes and is more than familiar with how you look during sex. I don’t like how my noodly arms look in my sex tapes, oh well.
That quote wasn't meant to say that if you think you're hot everyone will too, more just that if you are insecure with your body it will come across to those you date/want to date. It's not meant to be over-idealizing or shaming those who don't feel that way, more showing the dangers of self-fulfilling prophecies in this situation.
It’s cool, I figured—it’s just you can’t really scare or outwit people into becoming secure.
I'm a very large girl and I have no problem being naked during sex, before, after, on a Sunday afternoon, doing dishes, playing with my cat, talking on the phone- any time. (ha just kidding! I dont do dishes!). I'm gonna put a quote out there for you ladies: "if your size is a problem for you, it's a problem for him" - conversely, if you think you're sexy, he will too. so put it all out there and let the chips fall as they may (mmm chips). you won't regret it- the chips too.
I know you’re trying to be positive but I don’t think that quote’s good or true. Lots of people don’t come to accept their bodies til down the road and plenty of patient, non-predatory guys are willing to provide moral support and fuck them in the meantime. I don’t want to discourage those with body issues from thinking people won’t want them if their confidence sucks. Just work on your confidence and you’ll be rewarded. Mostly you have to just let the possibility in: this person likes my body, maybe there’s a good reason for that.
From your blog there seems to be plenty of FA or at least men who don't care too much about size. But for some reason I can't seem to find one. I have confidence so its not like my self esteem is the problem, and I just in the wrong place for it, or the wrong time? Im a 19 year old who only gets to talk to college guys fyi.
The place is the internet, mostly, until FAs everywhere stand up and announce they exist, pass it on. You’re young, you sound like you’re optimistic, and you should just try anything that comes your way. Put “BBW” in your personal ads and search BBW events near you and BBW dating sites. Plus we have that convenient magic list of FAs now and maybe someone lives near you.
How do you feel about open relationships? It seems like there are more open couples in the FA/bbw community- any theories as to why? Would you ever consider having an open relationship yourself?
I’ve thought for a long time that I’m naturally poly, so yeah, I would. I haven’t noticed a larger percentage of open couples in the fat community but perhaps because it’s largely internet-based and the internet is largely where people share their ideas about sex, so that progressive attitude towards experimenting with different sexual lifestyles carries over? Not to mention the general openness toward diversity that (is supposed to anyway, at least) comes from being with a person of size and trying to meet each other’s pace of life in the middle?
deliriumgrey said: I’m the asker, and I’m about 270 at the moment. And it’s not that I don’t lose myself during sex, even naked, it’s that I have a lot of trouble taking my clothes off in front of him. Once they’re off, I forget about it, at least til it’s we’re done.
Hopefully some readers can direct you to some Tumblrs or pics of 270 lb. bodies looking sexy and possibly getting it on. It’s worth trying to get used to what you look like naked; your man loves it and you should too.
But yeah, take them off without him looking and get under the covers if you need to. Seems simple enough to gradually show him more and more of you and ease into it.
I'm a fairly large girl, and I don't like to be naked during sex. This really bothers my long time boyfriend, who says that I'm very sexy. Where I'm having issues is that all his previous girlfriends have been very petite and skinny, and I feel like I just can't compete with that. Every time I think about it, I feel horribly unattractive and disgusting. Have you ever encountered this problem with a girl? Do you have any suggestions for me?
You need to seek some kind of professional to help you with that stage of body image issues that you can’t even bear to be naked during sex. The only non-professional suggestion I can give is to dive in, like it’s a pool. Give your boyfriend a chance to show you you’re beautiful to him, let him look and touch (while you’re looking and touching him simultaneously of course) so you can be made to feel good and work him at the same time. Keep shifting and adjusting everything you’re doing until the sex occurring feels so good to you both that you’re just unable to focus on yourself and feeling ugly.
From where I’m standing, if his exes have been petite and skinny, and he’s decided to date you, that means his taste has either changed or developed over the years in your “fairly large” (how large exactly? You might not be as big as you think, which is one reason you need to speak to a specialist in body dysmorphia possibly) body’s favor.
But yeah, sex is about feeling not thinking. Don’t think. Do you smoke weed or drink? If you do, don’t get trashed, but get a little loopy, put on some music and lights how you like it, focus on the man you love and allow him to transport you to his mindset where you are sexy.
Anyway, the more you attempt naked sex with him, you’re only going to get more and more used to it and desensitized.
Bonus activity: Look for pics of other naked fat girls on Tumblr, or pics of fat girls with their boyfriends, look for some fatty porn, allow your mind to normalize the idea of these bodies and that you’re not alone in being “fairly large”, let yourself accept the aesthetic of people your size getting naked for hot fucking. Contrary to what many think, there’s more than one way to look sexy and your boyfriend thankfully agrees.
I'm sure you've been asked before, but as a fat chick, how am I supposed to believe my boyfriend (of 6 yrs, with whom I have a baby) when he assures me that I am not disgusting or gross or horrible? Ever since I had the baby, my fat awesome body has felt like it betrayed me and I don't feel awesome any more. He says I still am - how can I believe him?!
Because he’s been with you for six years, had a baby with you and hasn’t left you. Christ.
Why don’t you insecurists all realize that your wonderful partners are innocent til proven guilty? Give me a reason to believe your boyfriend is leaving you or no longer fucking you and we’ll talk about that.
Why won't you post your fetish? Sorry for prying but I'm curious as to what it(they) is and if we share the same ones.
Because my fucking friends, co-workers and family read this blog. Because that’s the line I’ve drawn. Because my many, many kinks are none of your business. I love reading fetish and sex blogs and discussing kink with close friends but I would rather not be defined by what I do in bed. It’s my choice for personal (none of your business if you’re not my partner) and political (I talk about my PREFERENCE for fat women casually to help normalize it and separate it from the FETISH most people treat it as, because who you date should be public and what you do in bed is private) reasons. I’d like to maintain the illusion of objectivity as well; I don’t want people to not listen to my advice because they think it’s swayed by my myriad peccadilloes. And again I’d like to keep my jobs.
Sorry, one more virgin question: do you find that FAs are more open to older virgins? Theoretically I’d think they’d be more sympathetic than non-FAs who may not have as great an understanding of the roles size and conventional beauty standards play in self-esteem and dating, right?
I think FAs are aware that they’ll come across older virgins than would normally be expected among conventional daters. I think said older virgins would be surprised to learn many older FAs are inexperienced as well. Sympathetic and understanding we can only hope. In the community, you have lots of take-it-slow types and plenty of jump-right-in and making-up-for-lost-time types. Love em all.
To the anon who asked you about your girlfriend's health, maybe you should also advise him/her to maybe ask a question to the actual person who is involved in said question? Why do people want to ask about a fat person's health and the discrimination they face but ask it to anyone BUT said fat person? It feels like they think fat people are liars that way....which I'm sure they do. Sorry if it sounds heated but it's not directed to you, but the anon.
My girlfriend wouldn’t answer it anyway. Why should she have to report and justify her lifestyle to anyone but herself? I try to be an open book and health inevitably rears its ugly head in any kind of fat discussion, but as any longtime reader can say, I’m not interested in—or qualified to debate—the health controversies of fat. I’m here for the booty. Just because I was born with this sexuality does not mean I’m prepared (or required) to defend the consequences of mine and my partners’ health decisions.
I watched the MTV true life episode and was kind of put off by it. for starters, the straight guy kind of suggests that he started dating fat chicks because skinny girls had big egos, got hit on by other dudes, etc, and fat chicks gave him "full attention." He says "big girls--they're not supposed to come with drama." Thoughts? You can watch it on the mtv website!
I mean this is kind of like asking a black person how they feel about the chick from Flavor of Love 2 taking a shit on the floor. Thoughts on what, the reality TV version of who I am and what I do? Didn’t see it but I’m probably funnier.
Mostly I just wanted to tell the lady who was upset about people trying to get their kink all up in her vanilla that the best way to determine if a potential partner is into the same things is to talk about it openly, like a proper adult. If you can't handle talking about sex, you shouldn't be having it. If you're not into the topic of conversation, explain as much, very clearly. In my experience, people with kink leanings are WAY more up & up on the issues of consent and clarity.
Yeah, but making her afraid of the big bad f-word is just semantics. Normal people do weird shit.
Re: "Maybe people would be even less creeped out if they stopped generalizing all fetishists."... You have to think about the definition, though. The "necessity" of it is what likely makes people uncomfortable, because that can lead to thoughts about non-consensual acts, etc. Example: Frotterists rubbing up on the unsuspecting without their consent.
serpentskirts said: This is the way it’s taught in standard psychology courses, as well. A preference is NOT a fetish. People might be less creeped out if the incorrect terminology weren’t thrown around so readily is all I’m sayin.
No one’s saying a preference is a fetish. Two very different things. I have both, but I write about one and not the other. Maybe people would be even less creeped out if they stopped generalizing all fetishists.
serpentskirts said: “an object or bodily part whose real or fantasied presence is psychologically necessary for sexual gratification and that is an object of fixation to the extent that it may interfere with complete sexual expression”
Again: if I’m a fetishist and I’ve climaxed from sex where the fetish isn’t present, that negates me being a fetishist? Dictionaries need updating like anything else.
A date is where you put your best foot forward, where you show the other person all the best things about you...if a guy can't afford or won't pay for a beer or a salad what else can't he or won't he be able to provide in the rest of the relationship? I'm not saying a man should pay for everything all the time or any other antiquated, misogynist notion, just that the idea of paying for a few dates in exchange for the company of a great lady isn't gross, but can be thoughtful and caring.
Expecting it is gross. And who said he has to be a provider? I think that in itself is an antiquated notion. Misogyny and sexism aren’t the same thing btw, I’m not sure this would fall under either. Just “old-fashioned” and leaning towards sexist.
Did you know there are actually many more men who prefer fat chicks that aren't feeders or fat fetishists than there are actual feeders and fat fetishists? I would actually prefer to find the terrible vial feeders so many fat women despise but find them much harder to locate than the run of the mill FA. Then again some of those nonfeeder FAs have other different fetishes...
Fetishists say not enough FAs have fetishes. Nonfetishists say too many FAs are also fetishists. It’s not worth arguing; there’s clearly significant overlap and anyone looking for one is going to meet plenty of the other. They should stop wasting energy trying to place blame and stick it out until they find what they want when what they want is clearly not easy to find.
serpentskirts said: I just dislike how freely the word ‘fetish’ is thrown about. Interest/like/preference is not a fetish. If you can’t get off without it, it’s a fetish. Big difference there on a psychological level.
Fetishists can get off from sex that doesn’t include their fetish. It’s just not the be-all end-all.
I just recently started to realize that there actually are people who like me for being fat. But I haven't been able to meet anyone and then have that turn in to something more and I'm tired of being single. Is there anyplace in or near Buffalo, NY that is for FA's and BBW's or do you have any suggestions on how I can meet someone? thanks I really appreciate it! P.S. reading this has been really helpful to me!
Some fetishists are assholes, as are plenty of nonfetishists, maybe even you. As a kinky dude, it’s totally disheartening to me to get messages trashing kinky dudes or asking me to validate hateful bullshit generalizing them. More often than not my answer will be: “you’re being a tightass.” Please adjust questions accordingly.
On a side note you’re making me extra-grateful I found the open-minded partner I did.
Why don't guys with feeder fetishes or whatever actually, you know, find a woman into that stuff instead of hoisting it upon normal women who happen to be fat? The male to female ratio can't be THAT skewed in fat fetish land, can it?
What makes you think the nonfetishists are the “normal” ones? And what makes you think all “normal” women are equally prude sourpusses about indulging a partner’s fetish? I’ll go for broke and say they probably look for a giving, exciting personality first.