OBESITY itself is NOT an illness, and does not have any ill effects. An unhealthy lifestyle does. You can be thin, fat, or anywhere in between to be unhealthy. Obesity CAN be a side effect of underlying health problems. But the point is, it is not for ANYONE to judge what anyone else does with their bodies. If someone wants to be unhealthy, that's their prerogative. LET THEM BE.
I know this—I assume you’re looking for Dr. Anonymous?
I notice you only post questions that are complimentary to you and your life style. All you do is say the same stuff over and over again. Why do you like to ignore the fact that obesity and obesity related illnesses are killing millions of Americans each year? Im not trashing your, or others, life choices but, how do you just ignore the implications?
By “life style” do you mean “dating a fat girl”? I don’t understand the question; this is a blog about sex and relationships. Why do you presume it’s my job or yours to dispense health advice? Did you take me for a doctor? I certainly didn’t mistake you for one.
Hi Dan, Kudos on the tumblr! I just wanted to respond to your response to the big guy who likes big women. I think it may be good to take another look at that post. Not all women who have been in FA for a while prefer thin men. I think there's a huge range and it totally varies. (See, e.g. my BF and Marilyn Wann's BF.) I'm just mentioning this because I feel like you did a bit of fat shaming of that dude who, like you, just wants to be with fat chicks!
Thanks Golda - but I definitely didn’t use the word “all” and there was certainly no fat shame intended so I’ll clarify.
My perspective on fat guy dating is limited to my observations, which are that most (say, more than half of the vocal ones) “community” fat women who express a defined preference prefer thinner guys, and most non-community women are more vocal about flexibility in body size of a mate. I’d love for there to be otherwise, and I’d love evidence that there aren’t fewer females who outwardly identify as Fat Admirers.
From where I’m standing, he should equally invest in online and real-life meeting, and my educated guess is that real-life meeting will strike oil first. This isn’t a bad thing; online dating has all kinds of shitty variables that meeting people in person avoids, like location.
1. I’m sick of not being able to reply in my comments (I also think the questions/comments area is butt-ugly) - Can anyone recommend a better Tumblr layout for this blog’s format? I’d like to adhere closely to this one with the graphic at the top if possible. Or better, anyone know how to hack it?
2. Anyone great at HTML or building websites want to volunteer to help with a totally separate thing? I probably can’t pay you. Leave your email/IM in my ask if you’re cool being my slave.
You rock. Now if you don't mind me using your blog as a platform. Ladies and gentlemen of the FA movement, belittling and resenting people who are not your body type will not make you feel better. Dudes who want to fuck hot fat chicks, stop telling them their thinner friends in their pictures look like emaciated holocaust victims. This is neither cute nor acceptable. We need to move towards SIZE acceptance, not shifting the hate to the other side. <3 a proud bbw
This is a billion percent true. And uh, stop telling the fat chicks themselves that they’re “not big enough”? Tip for dickheads: a simple “I’m not interested” both works and doesn’t give them a complex. That’s society’s job, not its outliers’.
I'm a big guy who likes big women. Would I be less likely to be rejected or seen as creepy if I approached a BBW? Is it easier for big guys to attract BBWs?
There are two kinds of big guy/big girl scenarios I’ve observed over the decade-plus that I’ve known about this stuff:
1. A lot of big girls who are not familiar with Fat Culture(TM) are likely to date big guys, who are less of a Probable Meanness Threat and share a pace of life, not to mention body type.
2. A lot of big girls who are familiar with Fat Culture prefer thinner men because they enjoy the sharp contrast between body types, and have maybe realized that it’s not absurd for them to prefer a conventionally ideal man.
In no way are these absolute, but they’re (unproven) stats worth observing. Statistically, your odds are better approaching a fat girl at a bar or social event. Online you should specify you’re looking for a big girl into big guys - there are plenty, by the way. It’s just not as…vocalized. Also good to keep in mind that women in general are less body-oriented about who they date. So while there aren’t as many dictionary-definition female FAs as male ones, there are tons more women who are open to dating a bigger guy without having an intrinsic sexual preference towards body type in a partner. My cousin’s been seeing a big guy for a bit and only recently realized she’d probably now consider his body type to be a preference.
And you’ll only be seen as creepy if you act creepy. Dress nicely but comfortably, smell good, approach women.
How does a skinny guy go about cuddling with a big girl - not at home in bed, that is easy. I mean, how does a skinny guy cuddle with a big girl in the movies, or on a couch? It just feels like there is a lot of ground to cover with one arm, or like the two of you are sort of approaching each other from awkward angles.
Have you given any thought to this, or is this something that is best left to action, and not thought?
P.S. Thanks again, man! You are my inspiration! My dating/personal life has never been better since you gave me the courage to "come out" about what I love, i.e. big women.
Action, not thought. Grab something soft and continue if she approves. Wriggle yourselves into a comfy position. The beauty of cuddling with a big girl is that you don’t have to cover all ground in one go. And thanks.
I am a big girl but im having difficulty finding a guy who is attracted to me inside & out ... ive had plenty of relationships & i love who i am but it seems that most of the guys i meet put me in that " she has a great personality " category so they dont look at me for more than just a friend... & the few i have met that acted interested only wanted sex & im looking for more then just sex - i want an relationship ... how do i go about finding the potential "one" ?
Forget about “the one” for now. Let’s stabilize your lovelife; you need 1. a relationship first with someone who’s interested in both 2. sex and 3. commitment. I’m not sure how you went about finding the plenty of relationships you had before, but if they involved personal ads at all, re-write yours to mention relationship/sex/commitment as a top priority. Maybe even with something funnyobnoxious as the kicker like “I don’t want to hear about my great personality.” But I can’t help you much more than that because I don’t know where you’re looking for guys in the first place or how you’re interacting with ones you meet. To me it sounds like you’re already on the right track and just need to sharpen your claws.
I know you came out when you were 18, but I'm a 20 year old thinking about coming out of the closet and I was wondering how you went about it. Where and when did you tell people? Who did you tell first? What fears did you have? What would you have done differently? Any advice?
I told a pretty mild guy who was one of my closest male friends at the time. I forget how it came up but it was casually blurted out. I think he said something along the lines of “Oh…that’s cool,” in awkward but trying-to-be-polite way. Do you have any friends like that? Maybe try the mild and less contentious/judgmental ones first to test the waters and build your confidence. I hope they’ll be supportive but who knows. The more people you tell, the easier it gets. And no, that’s not “easier” to tell people your embarrassing secret - “easier” to tell people something that sets you apart from them in a way (sexually) that society has historically made a bigger deal of than it actually is.
The important thing to know is that “coming out” is on a need-to-know basis - you’re not obligated to do it at all even. As long as you treat any girl you date like a real person and don’t hide her or let other friends treat her badly about her weight. But if it defines you in a way that you feel silenced in your ability to talk about girls you like and your sexuality with your peers, it’s best to get it out. Once you come out to someone, it feels weird but it feels great knowing you never have to tell them again. Of course, you’ll always meet new people and there will always be a new moment, but you get less anxious about it as you get older. I’ve been “out” for, christ, looks like 8 years now. My social life has only gotten better and better.
Coming out to parents is a little trickier. This is not something you have to do at all; I’m personally horrified at the thought of my parents knowing anything about my sexuality, but it became unavoidable just because all the people I’ve met and dated. Faced with an alternate choice of having to keep stories straight for years and years, I opted to blurt it out at some point and I’m glad I did. But again, you may live differently and the necessity of it may not apply to you. Remember it only ever needs to come up if they’re disparaging whoever you’re dating, either to the person’s face or privately to you. But if you want to tell a parent, pick the one who’s less likely to freak out, the one you’re closer to and possibly the one you talk to about girls (or boys). 20’s a good age to come out - in college I told everyone I met because I wanted to start in the new social environment As Myself, and hopefully get with some fat chicks.
I don’t think I would’ve done it differently; I’ve had no major repercussions I can remember, especially not compared to a lot of horror stories I’ve heard. I guess I wouldn’t have been as online-oriented and applied it to real life sooner; I’ve spent a lot of time arguing with pixelated nobodys on message boards and comments sections and those are just black holes that can become legitimate addictions. I’ve had to ask friends to change my password to lock me out of some forums before just to tear myself away from bullshit arguments.
And I guess the only fear I’ve had is that it would be “used against me.” But how? What would that even consist of - being set up with a fat girl blind date to humiliate me? Local fat girls being aware that I’m into them, god forbid? The older I get the stupider the notion ever seemed.
And one last thing to remember: being into fat girls doesn’t have to define you if you don’t want it to. Here are two phrases you might find useful in your coming-out process:
"Yes, really. Get used to it."
If you get any shit, turn it around on them. They’d be the ones with the problem, you’re just being you with the hand you were dealt. If they’re really your friends, they’ll adjust to it like you did. Don’t be afraid to make new ones.
I'm a fat chick, and my husband enjoys my body. However, I have to lose weight because of my health. I'm worried that my husband won't find me attractive once I lose some weight. Do you have any wisdom for me?
The only wisdom I can give you is to talk to your husband, and to achieve maximum honesty, be as nice and open as possible to each other—get the fears out. I don’t know your husband though; some people become less attracted and some don’t. It wouldn’t make him a bad person because attraction is not something you can control, so in the best worst case scenario, you guys don’t start resenting each other in however you decide to compromise. I guess my wisdom for you is be willing to compromise; if he needs your extra weight to get off, see what other attractions of his you can oblige. Maybe he has a schoolgirl thing too?
I know this is going to sound totally ridiculous, but I do have a question. I have worked on my self esteem as a super size big beautiful woman for a long time now, and have for the most part learned to love me. There is just one part of me I cannot like no matter how hard I try. My inner thighs. I have extra skin on both sides and it looks like I have a little butt there. it repulses me. Here is the kicker, I am a plus size model and know I don't lack in the looks dept, but holy shit that part of me is just irreconcilable. The question I have is what do you as a FA think of women that have those? Or better yet do you know any women that you can ask that way I don't feel so alone? I wouldn't normally go anon but people know me and I don't like to put my insecurities out to everyone. P.s. you are awesome!
not ridiculous in the least.
inner thighs. inner thighs are incredible. they are so fucking soft. fat forms in totally different and weird ways and one of the nice things i’ve always said about being an FA is that there is greater variety in the girls we like. some have thigh rolls. not everyone likes everything, but i can promise you those are not something i’ve ever heard anyone complain about. fat inner thigh rolls in my experience are awesome. honestly, it’s all soft. love it all.
Hey, question! As a newly-single bigger lady, I was wondering if you could share some of your reliably non-creepy FA dating websites?
guys, there’s creeps on every site. i know reiterating this doesn’t “help” you per se, but the sooner we stop looking for The Magic FA Pickup Spot and accept the douchey options society has offered us, the sooner we can train ourselves to work within those limitations and build up our social character to attract non-creeps. unless you know coding and a few web-savvy investors that is?
that’s my way of saying “i don’t know any”. but you can still meet non-creepy FAs.
I'm a fat girl myself, very confident with my body, and into fat guys.
But i've never so much received a look from ANY guys, even though i'm doing everything I should be.
How can I attract bigger guys or ANY guys?
well, obviously you’re not doing everything you should be. “haven’t received a look” - have you approached any yourself and asked them out? because that sounds like you’re waiting for dudes to come to you. fat dudes (or chicks) can be guarded about asking people out even when they’re similarly built, no? if you’re a known confident one, maybe you should lead.
the UsualShit has sections to meet bigger dudes, but other than that i guess you’d have to tell me more about what you have and haven’t already tried and where/how you’re trying it for me to give you more specific help.
Hi, short time reader, first time asker, throwing a query at you.
First of all, I'm a guy, to be more specific, I'm not a guy who shys away from the ruebenesque ladies.
While I do find myself more frequently staring at the fatter lady in the crowd, I am most definately a person attracted to all women rather than just the bbw's among us. The skinny and the fat are no different to me.
But what I really want to know is, is there a good way to reveal a love of the larger ladies to my friends and family.
I Have Been a massive coward on this front, and while ihave dated 3 larger ladies (I'm a player! Yeah!) one of them i dated on the sly, the other was just barely fat (More chubby) and the other was a long standing friend (so the relationship was dressed up as two old friends falling for one another) and I always portrayed my relationships (without out actually saying it, i let others spell it out) as love despite intial lack of physical attraction. How do I break my love to my family and peers? Is there a good way!
why do you need to tell your family about sexual preference? this is an interesting question because it’s almost the flipside of the usual dilemma: you’re eager to come out to your family. that’s cool. but why? when you have a fat girlfriend, treat her like any other and introduce her to your family and friends. let them ask the questions, right? or before she meets them, if you’re worried about how they’ll take it, tell them lovingly but firmly that the new lady you’ll be bringing around is a big girl and you’d like to make sure they’re not rude or inconsiderate about it. use your own words of course. but if you’re just single and looking i don’t see any reason to have more conversations than necessary about it. unless it’s usual for you already to have carnal chats with your folks? in which case do you need my help?
I have to call "bullshit" on the fact that you and other FA's are describing things like a "coming out" process and being "not ready" to make your assertion to the world about your preferences (just read your most recent interview as well as the one in the VV). OK, not "bs" but more the obligatory "wtf". Everything you are describing is based on fat hatred and phobia, and any flack you've taken is rooted in feelings society has about the chick, not you (or, if you, then only by your association with her). You've connected the gay coming out process and the FA one on several occasions, but the gay process is a mutual one, whereas the FA process is not (in that both partners are not necessarily fat). I'm all for feeling empathy for my fellow man or woman, but don't you think it's time, when an FA describes his hardships, that you give the unfortunate credit where credit is due? It's like white dudes with dreads (see: Seth Green in "Can't Hardly Wait"). I certainly love me an FA, but I can't handle any more of the "woe is me" crap. It's not your issue- it's your gf's.
"Everything you are describing is based on fat hatred and phobia, and any flack you’ve taken is rooted in feelings society has about the chick, not you (or, if you, then only by your association with her)."
the first part of that quote’s dead-on, and sucky as it is, can’t be helped. kids pick on the different, and only at different ages (and sometimes never) do people grow comfortable enough in their own skin to be outward about the traits that most shaprly differentiate them from others.
the second part is bullshit; just as society thinks fat chicks have a choice to be fat and make society less easy and utopian for everyone else (boo the fuck hoo), society thinks people who choose to be with these dregs have something wrong with them. our parents want to know how we can be “fixed,” how their Normal Child could grow up desiring the so-called undesirable. our friends assume we want to bang anything that jiggles. we’re portrayed in movies as marc blucas (who was one of the WORST buffy characters ew) and eugene levy.
but the worst by far is being pulled aside by friends and family for a lecture on your responsibility for your partner’s health - this is in one of the kinder capacities. it sucks for both partners when someone assigns you a “caretaker” role, as if your partner needs their decisions made for them, as if there’s an unspoken requirement to earn others’ respect and your job is to train them. and when you refuse, another person’s doom is on your head.
i know we don’t have it worse. but i disdain the idea that grousing about our problems as well somehow diminishes the (many and legion) problems fat people face day-to-day. it’s not a contest. and you could make a case that the Culture of Guilt is harmful; when the perception of fat girls is All Problems, feel sorry for them All the Time, i believe that could be a significant reason why closet FAs exist in the first place. all that baggage and inequality of sympathy scares them off - and the worst part is it’s not even that bad. most fat girls deal; they live in that body, after all. in a good relationship, patience and consideration is expected of FAs, but i suspect there are many (i don’t know, i’ve never asked) closeted, timid or commitment-phobic FAs who are less ashamed of their sexuality than terrified of the perceived limitations and obstacles that come with it. so i think an understanding of the fat woman’s plight is important but i wouldn’t lead with it. garnering empathy should not be a game you’re afraid to lose.
and i don’t think any white dudes dispute the origin of dreads.
Ok, my girlfriend is a very beautiful girl and I love every aspect of her, and I want her to be happy. And most times, she is happy, but whenever she gains just a little weight, she starts freaking out calling herself "fat" negatively rather than in a positive way I guess if that makes any sense at all. How can I get her to realize that she is beautiful no matter what and that she doesn't have to feel like she does? She isn't even big, and she knows that I have no problem with plumper girls anyway. Any help is awesome, and sorry if this doesn't make much since either. Just looking for some answers to help her realize she is beautiful :/
of course it makes sense - a very small decimal amount of people think of fat or weight gain in a positive light. the more you act supportive, loving and sexually interested in your girlfriend, the more likely she is to realize it. but she might never, sadly. that’s just the conditioning she’s been exposed to and the persona she’s developed. even though she knows how you feel about plumper girls, is she aware of the subculture around it, or the celebratory blogs and tumblrs celebrating diverse body image? if you’ve been together for a bit and know her well enough to know she won’t freak, maybe slip something into a conversation and gauge her reaction to see if she’s open to unconventional ideas of beauty. if she’s receptive, maybe show her adipositivity and the voice article too? try and frame the idea of unconventional beauty in different conversations and ways other than ones she thinks you Have to say to her out of boyfriendly duty.
I've seen a fair share of chubby guys go out with pretty girls without a complaint(at least not that I have heard of). But when it comes to a bigger lady it seems that couples get tons of shit for it. Do you think there is any particular reason it is less frowned on to see a conventionally attractive girl with a chubby guy, while fat girl/ANY guy couples are much less accepted?
because society is dictated by males, including fat ones. because women’s bodies are expected to be on display for arousal and scrutiny and men’s are not. because men’s body parts are easier to hide in public than women’s. because conventionally attractive girls are viewed as a trophy of wealth and power for unconventionally attractive people who’ve attained a certain status. did i mention society is dictated by males?
by the way, anyone who thinks gay men are some species of girl should look into how fatties were treated in the gay community before the establishment of “bear” groups.
One of the questions I get the most is "How can I attract a guy.." and I can't stress enough how much confidence plays into it. Confidence, how you carry yourself, it all shows in your walk, your talk, your presentation. As a male, can you just reiterate for me and my followers how important confidence is, especially if you're fat (considering a lot of fat girls have hangups about their bodies)?
yes. confidence is 100% the deal. i know that sucks for the bajillion fat girls who’ve pretty understandably been affected by the media continuously reiterating that they’re an ugly epidemic of too-big death bombs or whatever. but it’s all up to you to pull yourself out of the hole where you let dumb magazines/TV/people affect what you do with your life.
here’s some tips.
1. do not be afraid to be single.
i can’t stress this enough, for anyone. being single is great. being single is infinitely better than being in a bad relationship. date and fuck and meet and chat up and do goofy things to get a guy’s (or girl’s) attention by all means. but free yourself from ANY feelings of obligation towards one person unless they have proven they are fucking committed to you, and if they are committed you and they are constantly making you feel bad for being you, end that commitment. do not settle. like i said, date, fuck, have fun with anyone and don’t feel guilty about taking the pleasure and companionship that you need from a willing participant, but do not spend an ounce of emotional energy if they’re not reciprocating, or worse, making promises that they don’t care enough about you to keep. confidence is not fooling yourself into thinking you’re dependent on someone who is not there for you.
2. brutal honesty will not fuck up your game but it will save you from hell.
i helped a friend of mine edit her okcupid ad the other night (my insistence - i’m sick of ppl running game on her) and the two sticking points i had to hammer into her (and many other friends who are shy in their ads) were that she HAS to say she’s fat over and over so there’s no confusion about who she is or what kind of physical appreciation she needs, and to buzz off if you’re not looking for a romantic connection. some people think they’re being nice by letting it hang in ambiguity whether or not they “care” about your size when they answer your personal ad and chat you up. force it out there, as casually, nicely and confidently as you can. say you only date guys who look for bigger girls. don’t give them an indication that you’re lonely or willing to settle if they are. don’t tell them you’re looking for “whatever” if you’re looking for something specific. you can’t be afraid to tell people who you are in the hopes you’d be opening up your dating pool. it’s not worth the one or two dates where you can’t tell if they’re into your size much less into you.
3. flirt whenever you can.
with every good-looking, sane stranger you talk to online, in bars, class, whatever. get a knack for it. practice your confidence. and do not be ashamed to let someone down after you’ve sized them up. why should you feel guilty? that’s dating. that’s what people will do to you if they’re not already. what i’m saying is, rejection is a healthy part of the cycle if you can stop being afraid of it, and you should even it out so that you’re in the position to be the rejector sometimes. this isn’t playing games though, it’s putting yourself at a dating level you’re comfortable with, to chat people up and build backbone for chatting up the ones you really want.
4. stop fearing rejection.
it happens. a lot. in most cases, you don’t need to know why. if you’re good at handling brutal honesty and a guy was seriously leading you on, maybe you should find out. but in most cases, smile and walk away, to the next interesting-looking person. waste as little time as possible bemoaning the loss of someone who didn’t like you for what you are. you know how they say there’s someone for everyone? that’s probably not true. but your odds improve when you keep at it, take the risks to make yourself stand out and brush off the bounty of assholes who’d otherwise discourage you along the way.
This might be a terribly immature question, but please forgive me.
I am a junior at a university chock full o' bros, and they got no love for the chub. That being said, is there like a genre of guy would be most likely to be true FA? I know it's super petty high school to even talk about kinds of people, but I guess just assume we are going by those stereotypes. I'm into hipster guys but they seem to be into the starving artist kinda girls... and I am by no means starving.
Bros, hipsters, nerds, musicians, etc...Any thoughts?
introverted boys, or at least hipster nerd musicians like me, are probably more likely to have spent enough time on the internet to have found the dictionary definitions of what makes our dicks hard, and all the FA terminology crap, and maybe even a little bit of fattiquette. i’m sure plenty of dudes at your university are frustratingly mum about their love for the chub. many hipsters are into starving artists, and then many others have taste in women as unconventional as their other tastes. i’d love to see more bros and athletes into fat girls though; contrast is hot. maybe i’ll take up tennis.
Do you think full on body acceptance will happen some day? Or is the movement just going to take continuous baby steps while the dieting industry makes millions out of warping body images and breeding self loathing in people of all shapes and sizes?
i believe in the possibility even though it’s hard to envision now. if we’re fat and getting fatter, it will remain divisive but a significant portion of fat people, being a majority, will get over themselves and stop taking shit. but i wouldn’t call it “full on body acceptance” - we as a society still need someone to pick on, plus there will still be LOTS of fat haters as fat acceptance will be the realization of their biggest dread. they’ll just get pushed to the margins, anonymized into youtube comments or something; won’t be legally allowed to discriminate, for one.
i do think the diet industry will lose traction on the fear front. but something else will come up. fat will never be considered the medical epitome of great health and that will still be used as a wedge. what will change will be how.
Hi! First of all, the article in the Voice was great. Secondly, this might be weird, but can we be friends? I live in NYC/Brooklyn and would like to at least have someone just to talk to who knows about this stuff. I am "chubby" I guess, in that weird gray area that you have talked about on your other blog. Lately I've been feeling like I'm not fat enough for people into "fat chicks" and I'm too fat for people into "average" girls. I get hollered at every day in NYC, but finding the medium between getting harassed by random creeps and finding someone who really appreciates how I look -- and whom I find attractive and also have things in common with -- is a whole 'nother issue. I feel like it's so hard to find here, or maybe I'm just not looking in the right places.
sorry again for getting to these old ones super late!
hi, thanks, yes we can be friends. i haven’t lived in nyc in a year and a half though. chubby/in-between girls probably have it the worst in the online dating (re: customized gf) realm but better in real-life meeting situations like bars and stuff than “dealbreaker”(TM) fatties. pm me a facebook link.
I feel odd cause Im short, fat, long hair, really young (18), and I feel like no body will actually want to date me. I mean, I just barely got my first kiss like on may 1st, and i kinda mess around with him, not too extreme, but he already said he doesnt do long distance and wont date me, but come to see me. I know he wants to fuck, he said so... but I want a relationship... do i deserve a relationship or be stuck as a fwb because he's the only guy to ever touch me... still really inexperienced. :(
you’re not going to be stuck as anything. you just had your first kiss and you’ve got a ton of love and sex ahead of you. but you deserve better than this guy for a relationship. if there’s anything left to get from him (experience, plane tickets, orgasms), be my guest, but for god’s sake shop around. short, young fatties with long hair are really hot.
In your experience, how do FAs generally feel about going down on their fat chicks? I'm an attractive fat chick (5'7", 259) with good grooming and hygiene habits, but I've always been self-conscious about letting a guy get an up-close look at my lady bits -- what if he doesn't like what he sees? Do FAs really WANT to be down there? Thanks! -Jess
unless she boasts about keeping it smooth as an ipod, or your douchebagginess is such that it upstages that of the tea party shill you boned, you have no reason to believe there won’t be a clump of hair. that’s just vaginas. hygiene-wise, in my experience, all the fat girls i’ve been with have been exceptionally worried about being the Gross Fat Girl and thus were pretty fucking fastidious about washing and grooming.
do FAs want to be down there? if he doesn’t want to be down there, why is he down there? lick or get out.
Is it okay to tell your big girl that her size is one of the things you like about her? I have been dating a big girl for about three weeks now, and we don't ever talk about her size, or my size - but we do tell one another that we find each other attractive. I want to say something like, "I just love that belly of yours," but I don't want to make her feel self-concious or offend her.
grab her belly first. during sex or in an obviously affectionate moment. gauge her reaction. you might not need to tell her at all if your actions make it known how much you adore her bigger bits. and if she keeps reacting more and more positively to the attention, i see no reason to not tell her, and make sure to drop in the “i hope it doesn’t offend you if i say that i love your…” during a squeeze.
I am obviously a larger lady, but my issue is I started dating this wonderful man who is not bigger anyways we just became sexually active and I feel like all our postions are so boring... doggy, missionary, and me ontop.... do you know any other postions we can try... and that won't scare him haha but can work with a bigger woman?
treat him to reverse cowgirl; he gets all the view of doggy and none of the work. and if you’re both feeling lazy, spooning sex is always rad. it probably doesn’t say good things about me that i equate the raddest sex to the least work.
Could you post something other than your response to fat chicks saying "I think I'm ugly. Am I ugly? Could you find a nice boy who could tell me I'm pretty? *teehee* are youuu that boyyy?" I would like to believe that you have more thought-provoking and legitimate things to say other than placating some gals who just want validation. I'm not bitter, just feeling misrepresented.
-a fat chick who is neither ugly nor in need or someone to make her feel better (perhaps *i* am the real bigfoot, eh?)
hey bigfoot, believe me, i hear you. if you’re familiar with me in real life or any of my other writing, you know this blog is where i’m by far the most toned down. it’s because you don’t need someone to make you feel better and others do. like yeah, the girl who i apparently made love her arms…it’s ridiculous i know. i’m not going to pretend i don’t have a private laugh at some questions that are astoundingly simple to me, but then i really do remind myself, they’re insanely difficult for many people who are not me, who do not have people in their life who can just tell them it’s ok. i know, i know, it’s corny, it’s stupid, etc. but if helping anyone is that easy then i’m lazy enough to play ball. if it was as easy as snapping your fingers and saying “love yourself”…
but i have plenty of hardball opinions. you have to ask me shit, lady.
Hi. I wanted to say thank you for your blog! A friend of mine showed it to me a couple of months ago and it totally blew my mind. I've felt beautiful and cute before, but I never thought that I could ever be sexy at my size. After I read most of it, I joined a dating site for BBW's and started talking to men a lot more, even if I knew they weren't an FA. It really showed me that I could be a sexual person, and I've been totally exploring that side of myself a lot more recently, which has been really exciting. Again, thanks!
"and started talking to men a lot more, even if I knew they weren’t an FA."
omg, yes, yes, yes. this is the fucking key. everybody please do this.
First of all, YOU EXIST! I swear, FAs were like Bigfoot to me. I was told they existed, but there was no proof. Thank you for being proof.
Now my concern is, is there any way to tell a FA who's in it for the long run as opposed to a guy who is just horny? Because I've had partial encounters with a guy or two I know for a fact have been into to skinny chicks, and I get kind of confused because I wonder if it's genuine or not. Does is really matter ultimately?
i don’t know how big you are, or how conventionally attractive you are in other ways that may cancel out your fatness to non-FA dudes, and plenty of legit FAs (hello) enjoy skinny chicks too.
but no, it ultimately doesn’t matter. go with your gut (ha) and meet/date/fuck the guys you Like. if it’s mutual, he (they?) will stick around. keep a steady roster of options even when you Really Like One. it’s good experience and minimizes the hurt. you should definitely Ask, but unfortunately there’s no way to really tell if a guy’s into you or just horny because guys will do or say anything for a fuck and you’d be surprised what good actors we can be. go with your gut (ha).
cambridge-socks said: Not to a be a jerk (because your reply was insightful), but the question seems to be where to even begin trying to meet fat-friendly gentlemen. Where do guys who like fat chicks conglomerate? Do y’all have a bowling league or something?
sorry, my layout doesn’t let me reply in the post thread. in the first sentence of my reply to storiesofaginger i linked back to this entry to help with the FA-specific part, which is, for now anyway, the best i’ve got. but i plan to do serious research on that soon. we unfortunately don’t have a bowling league.
Where do I find guys who want to date a fat chick like me? And I mean date, not just bone. Because that's annoying.
obviously i get this question a lot and i try to personalize the answer each time. i have many female friends in real life in the same jam, both thin and fat. here’s what i tell them:
1. first, you need to meet guys. forget the ultimate goal (dating) for now. start talking to lots and lots of guys and surround yourself with options. up the odds: the more (LOCAL) dudes you’re talking to, flirting with, getting to know, the more likely you are to hit upon a dude who’s as no-bullshit as you.
2. talking to all these dudes is also how you sharpen your own dating skills. prove how cool/funny/interesting/witty/sexy you are. see how many people you can get interested. (sending them nudes is cheating! unless you want to attract the wrong element, for you anyway)
3. i’m not sure what your reasons are for discounting boning, but if they’re superficial rather than personal, bend them a little. emphasis on: a LITTLE. i can’t speak for other guys, and i know many of them are shittier than me, but i did not enter into the awesome relationship i am in wanting a relationship. we were fucking, and our compatibility as a couple become impossible to ignore over time.
i’m certainly not saying you can or should use your vag to convert a manslut. i’m saying if you like a dude and your chemistry is apparent (to both parties - is he treating you like a priority or an option? is he keeping you hidden or assmilating you into his life with friends and facebook etc?), don’t let that old-fashioned/male-invented/slut-shaming factor affect whether or not you take the chance of him hurting you. if you want to fuck him, fuck him. at worst, you get laid and curse your instincts. at best you’re establishing a good physical connection with someone you genuinely like and it may be worth continuing to see where it goes. the lady and i banged for six months, and - i’m as slutty as anyone - and by then i knew she was too awesome to let her get away. and i already knew she was great in bed. my personal philosophy is that establishing compatible sex is the hard part; having dinner and watching tv together is the easy stuff. that’s not absolute for everyone, but i have a feeling it might be for men more than women. anyway, whether a guy hurts you in the end should not be dependent on whether you fucked or not. fuck for the right reasons (you want to and he wants to) and you won’t regret it even if it doesn’t work out.
4. if #3 appalls you and you end up defriending me on tumblr for my lousy DID-YOU-EVEN-LISTEN-TO-MY-QUESTION advice, then the only way you can be sure a guy isn’t just in it to fuck you is the old-fashioned way: ask him upfront. the reason i stuck this obvious truth at the bottom is because i don’t ever think it’s a good idea. if i just met someone and i’m attracted to her, in no way does that mitigate if i want to spend a few years or months with her. you should ask upfront but not upfront-upfront. ask before you do the thing that puts you at risk for Being Hurt: in your case sex maybe, but also traveling some distance to meet someone from the interweb. but don’t ask on the first date or IM convo. showing your cards not only kills the spontaneity (this is a personal beef, not universal; i like mystery with my seduction. why have a relationship if you’re going to get to know everything about me in one night?), but will make him think you’re more interested in merely crossing BOYFRIEND off your life checklist, than being cool/funny/interesting/witty/sexy.
special note on this post: most tempted i’ve ever been to yell THAT’S JUST MY OPINION at the end of an answer. heed grain of salt.
I'm a fat girl, and because of horrible experiences in highschool (gasp! bet you've never heard that one!) my self esteem/worth is in the toilet. I am in my early 20's but have still never had a bf. To be honest, i've never even been kissed. Would potential FA partners understand this, and accept being my first, well, anything? I have a recurring nightmare where any future love interests take off screaming for the hills because it's too much pressure. I know it's ridiculous to ask, "hey, should i just fucking give up?" but sometimes i wonder, is being fat AND a virgin *of everything intimate* going to be too much for someone to handle?
give up from what? you’re starting at zero, right? don’t pressure yourself and just let it happen what may.
this one i’m qualified to answer. my ex; in college i was her first kiss. she lost her virginity only a few weeks after. what a world, right? but it’s really no big deal (it will be for many guys, but it’s no big deal). you’re at two disadvantages and most people have one or more.
as for potential FA partners, hate to tell you, there’s no telling whether they’ll “understand” or not. one of the most well-liked FAs i know only just recently lost his virginity long after establishing his presence in the community. so it’s not like there aren’t quality guys in your camp. but FAs are few and far between, nice ones are fewer and farther, and patient ones even more so etc. anything can happen. just don’t sell yourself short. search bbw/fa forums for a virgin thread to find support(ers) or start your own. and be cautious but not cynical.
Welcome to tubmlr. :)
I myself am a 215lb, (almost) 21 year old girl, and I have recently found a guy who loves my body. Even though he tells me, repeatedly, what he likes about my body, I still find it so hard to believe (trust me, there is a slew of past emotional/physical abuse/molestation in my past with men) and I was wondering if you might have any advice on how to just feel better about my body and myself in general?
sorry i’m getting to these all out of order, everyone. different lightning strikes at different intervals, etc.
my advice: take the compliments and leave that other shit in the past. he sounds like a great guy. believe him.
I am 5'1 and at my heaviest I was 196lbs. I have since then lost some weight and gotten down to 154lbs but it is still a ongoing thing. I have never been shy or awkward about my weight. One day I woke up and decided to lose the weight and I have been working on it ever since.
Recently a guy told me to stop working out so much cause he doesn't like skinny girls and the only reason he has been talking to me is cause I'm fat. And if I lose the weight he wouldn't like me anymore. There's nothing going on between myself and him but the comment was you know...took me by surprise.
So my question is, if your girlfriend were to lose the weight, would you find her less attractive? The way a man who likes skinny women would find women who puts weight on less attractive? And if so, would you tell her to stop it?
at least he was honest and you know not to date him.
i’m a weird sample set for this question because:
1. i’ve had the luxury of seeing how my gf looks thin(ner?) from high school and it’s really fucking hot
2. i’m more attracted to thin girls at age 26 than i’d ever been before - i’d now consider myself pretty bisizual, though who knows if this theory would withstand a long-term relationship. i’m dating a fatty and i’m happy.
nevertheless, my gf would be an intrinsically different person if she was thin. many people choose not to make fat an overarching part of their identity. she does. i can’t imagine her wanting to seriously lose weight so i have no idea how i’d feel if she was an entirely different person. it’s also worth noting that neither she nor i wants to have kids or to, oh, live to 70.
i’d dump someone before i told them to stop losing weight, unless i thought they were losing for a really stupid reason, but i can’t imagine myself dating someone who would lose weight for a really stupid reason.
all this said, i think if someone plans on staying in the relationship they’re in, or sexually active in it, it’s in their second-best interest to stay as attractive to their partner as possible. their first-best interest would be health, i suppose, though many people use “health” as a dubious excuse to justify a lot of things. if health is important to you, you should date someone who health is important to. if fat is important to you, you should date someone who fat is important to. (the majority of people i know prefer both)
one more note: i’m more sympathetic to a guy dumping a girl for slimming down than a guy who, say, leaves his wife for getting fat. FAs are generally pretty upfront about the subject, and guys who marry thin girls generally never ponder the possibility of a fat wife other than as a joke nightmare by the time they pledge their love to someone for eternity. if their love didn’t overpower the physical, then it’s only saving them years of frustration when he could be with a fatty who never plans to lose, and her being slimmer immensely opens up her dating options. i only feel sorry for the people who force themselves to stay together when their interests have become irreconcilable; you are wasting your time on this planet.
Do you think fat females who belong to social groups -like the gothic movement-or any other that freely opposes social rules that they find obtuse more likely to have a better outlook on their body?-Erika
um, yes and no. on one hand, they’re more likely to discover tumblr and fat blogs and our weird subcultures and accept ideas like having to connect with boys through the internet or travel to meet new friends.
on the other - and in no way am i saying all goths are depressed or something - this doesn’t mitigate a “better outlook” on their body because the alienation that separated them from the “social rules” to begin with might’ve steeped them in anxiety, depression, various insecurities - all byproducts of a diet culture. being in fringe social groups is definitely freeing but i think we all wish the social majority didn’t put us in that position and suck.
How did you met your girlfriend? It's been a long time that you are together? Was she confident about her body before she met you?
we met at the NJ bash (or if you’re a member of my family/outer-circle friend/canadian border guard: “a hotel party”) and we’ve been together for over two years. she was confident about her body before she met me.