"Everything you are describing is based on fat hatred and phobia, and any flack you’ve taken is rooted in feelings society has about the chick, not you (or, if you, then only by your association with her)."
the first part of that quote’s dead-on, and sucky as it is, can’t be helped. kids pick on the different, and only at different ages (and sometimes never) do people grow comfortable enough in their own skin to be outward about the traits that most shaprly differentiate them from others.
the second part is bullshit; just as society thinks fat chicks have a choice to be fat and make society less easy and utopian for everyone else (boo the fuck hoo), society thinks people who choose to be with these dregs have something wrong with them. our parents want to know how we can be “fixed,” how their Normal Child could grow up desiring the so-called undesirable. our friends assume we want to bang anything that jiggles. we’re portrayed in movies as marc blucas (who was one of the WORST buffy characters ew) and eugene levy.
but the worst by far is being pulled aside by friends and family for a lecture on your responsibility for your partner’s health - this is in one of the kinder capacities. it sucks for both partners when someone assigns you a “caretaker” role, as if your partner needs their decisions made for them, as if there’s an unspoken requirement to earn others’ respect and your job is to train them. and when you refuse, another person’s doom is on your head.
i know we don’t have it worse. but i disdain the idea that grousing about our problems as well somehow diminishes the (many and legion) problems fat people face day-to-day. it’s not a contest. and you could make a case that the Culture of Guilt is harmful; when the perception of fat girls is All Problems, feel sorry for them All the Time, i believe that could be a significant reason why closet FAs exist in the first place. all that baggage and inequality of sympathy scares them off - and the worst part is it’s not even that bad. most fat girls deal; they live in that body, after all. in a good relationship, patience and consideration is expected of FAs, but i suspect there are many (i don’t know, i’ve never asked) closeted, timid or commitment-phobic FAs who are less ashamed of their sexuality than terrified of the perceived limitations and obstacles that come with it. so i think an understanding of the fat woman’s plight is important but i wouldn’t lead with it. garnering empathy should not be a game you’re afraid to lose.
and i don’t think any white dudes dispute the origin of dreads.