Do you think full on body acceptance will happen some day? Or is the movement just going to take continuous baby steps while the dieting industry makes millions out of warping body images and breeding self loathing in people of all shapes and sizes?
i believe in the possibility even though it’s hard to envision now. if we’re fat and getting fatter, it will remain divisive but a significant portion of fat people, being a majority, will get over themselves and stop taking shit. but i wouldn’t call it “full on body acceptance” - we as a society still need someone to pick on, plus there will still be LOTS of fat haters as fat acceptance will be the realization of their biggest dread. they’ll just get pushed to the margins, anonymized into youtube comments or something; won’t be legally allowed to discriminate, for one.
i do think the diet industry will lose traction on the fear front. but something else will come up. fat will never be considered the medical epitome of great health and that will still be used as a wedge. what will change will be how.
Hi! First of all, the article in the Voice was great. Secondly, this might be weird, but can we be friends? I live in NYC/Brooklyn and would like to at least have someone just to talk to who knows about this stuff. I am "chubby" I guess, in that weird gray area that you have talked about on your other blog. Lately I've been feeling like I'm not fat enough for people into "fat chicks" and I'm too fat for people into "average" girls. I get hollered at every day in NYC, but finding the medium between getting harassed by random creeps and finding someone who really appreciates how I look -- and whom I find attractive and also have things in common with -- is a whole 'nother issue. I feel like it's so hard to find here, or maybe I'm just not looking in the right places.
sorry again for getting to these old ones super late!
hi, thanks, yes we can be friends. i haven’t lived in nyc in a year and a half though. chubby/in-between girls probably have it the worst in the online dating (re: customized gf) realm but better in real-life meeting situations like bars and stuff than “dealbreaker”(TM) fatties. pm me a facebook link.
I feel odd cause Im short, fat, long hair, really young (18), and I feel like no body will actually want to date me. I mean, I just barely got my first kiss like on may 1st, and i kinda mess around with him, not too extreme, but he already said he doesnt do long distance and wont date me, but come to see me. I know he wants to fuck, he said so... but I want a relationship... do i deserve a relationship or be stuck as a fwb because he's the only guy to ever touch me... still really inexperienced. :(
you’re not going to be stuck as anything. you just had your first kiss and you’ve got a ton of love and sex ahead of you. but you deserve better than this guy for a relationship. if there’s anything left to get from him (experience, plane tickets, orgasms), be my guest, but for god’s sake shop around. short, young fatties with long hair are really hot.
In your experience, how do FAs generally feel about going down on their fat chicks? I'm an attractive fat chick (5'7", 259) with good grooming and hygiene habits, but I've always been self-conscious about letting a guy get an up-close look at my lady bits -- what if he doesn't like what he sees? Do FAs really WANT to be down there? Thanks! -Jess
unless she boasts about keeping it smooth as an ipod, or your douchebagginess is such that it upstages that of the tea party shill you boned, you have no reason to believe there won’t be a clump of hair. that’s just vaginas. hygiene-wise, in my experience, all the fat girls i’ve been with have been exceptionally worried about being the Gross Fat Girl and thus were pretty fucking fastidious about washing and grooming.
do FAs want to be down there? if he doesn’t want to be down there, why is he down there? lick or get out.
Is it okay to tell your big girl that her size is one of the things you like about her? I have been dating a big girl for about three weeks now, and we don't ever talk about her size, or my size - but we do tell one another that we find each other attractive. I want to say something like, "I just love that belly of yours," but I don't want to make her feel self-concious or offend her.
grab her belly first. during sex or in an obviously affectionate moment. gauge her reaction. you might not need to tell her at all if your actions make it known how much you adore her bigger bits. and if she keeps reacting more and more positively to the attention, i see no reason to not tell her, and make sure to drop in the “i hope it doesn’t offend you if i say that i love your…” during a squeeze.
I am obviously a larger lady, but my issue is I started dating this wonderful man who is not bigger anyways we just became sexually active and I feel like all our postions are so boring... doggy, missionary, and me ontop.... do you know any other postions we can try... and that won't scare him haha but can work with a bigger woman?
treat him to reverse cowgirl; he gets all the view of doggy and none of the work. and if you’re both feeling lazy, spooning sex is always rad. it probably doesn’t say good things about me that i equate the raddest sex to the least work.
Could you post something other than your response to fat chicks saying "I think I'm ugly. Am I ugly? Could you find a nice boy who could tell me I'm pretty? *teehee* are youuu that boyyy?" I would like to believe that you have more thought-provoking and legitimate things to say other than placating some gals who just want validation. I'm not bitter, just feeling misrepresented.
-a fat chick who is neither ugly nor in need or someone to make her feel better (perhaps *i* am the real bigfoot, eh?)
hey bigfoot, believe me, i hear you. if you’re familiar with me in real life or any of my other writing, you know this blog is where i’m by far the most toned down. it’s because you don’t need someone to make you feel better and others do. like yeah, the girl who i apparently made love her arms…it’s ridiculous i know. i’m not going to pretend i don’t have a private laugh at some questions that are astoundingly simple to me, but then i really do remind myself, they’re insanely difficult for many people who are not me, who do not have people in their life who can just tell them it’s ok. i know, i know, it’s corny, it’s stupid, etc. but if helping anyone is that easy then i’m lazy enough to play ball. if it was as easy as snapping your fingers and saying “love yourself”…
but i have plenty of hardball opinions. you have to ask me shit, lady.
Hi. I wanted to say thank you for your blog! A friend of mine showed it to me a couple of months ago and it totally blew my mind. I've felt beautiful and cute before, but I never thought that I could ever be sexy at my size. After I read most of it, I joined a dating site for BBW's and started talking to men a lot more, even if I knew they weren't an FA. It really showed me that I could be a sexual person, and I've been totally exploring that side of myself a lot more recently, which has been really exciting. Again, thanks!
"and started talking to men a lot more, even if I knew they weren’t an FA."
omg, yes, yes, yes. this is the fucking key. everybody please do this.
First of all, YOU EXIST! I swear, FAs were like Bigfoot to me. I was told they existed, but there was no proof. Thank you for being proof.
Now my concern is, is there any way to tell a FA who's in it for the long run as opposed to a guy who is just horny? Because I've had partial encounters with a guy or two I know for a fact have been into to skinny chicks, and I get kind of confused because I wonder if it's genuine or not. Does is really matter ultimately?
i don’t know how big you are, or how conventionally attractive you are in other ways that may cancel out your fatness to non-FA dudes, and plenty of legit FAs (hello) enjoy skinny chicks too.
but no, it ultimately doesn’t matter. go with your gut (ha) and meet/date/fuck the guys you Like. if it’s mutual, he (they?) will stick around. keep a steady roster of options even when you Really Like One. it’s good experience and minimizes the hurt. you should definitely Ask, but unfortunately there’s no way to really tell if a guy’s into you or just horny because guys will do or say anything for a fuck and you’d be surprised what good actors we can be. go with your gut (ha).
cambridge-socks said: Not to a be a jerk (because your reply was insightful), but the question seems to be where to even begin trying to meet fat-friendly gentlemen. Where do guys who like fat chicks conglomerate? Do y’all have a bowling league or something?
sorry, my layout doesn’t let me reply in the post thread. in the first sentence of my reply to storiesofaginger i linked back to this entry to help with the FA-specific part, which is, for now anyway, the best i’ve got. but i plan to do serious research on that soon. we unfortunately don’t have a bowling league.
Where do I find guys who want to date a fat chick like me? And I mean date, not just bone. Because that's annoying.
obviously i get this question a lot and i try to personalize the answer each time. i have many female friends in real life in the same jam, both thin and fat. here’s what i tell them:
1. first, you need to meet guys. forget the ultimate goal (dating) for now. start talking to lots and lots of guys and surround yourself with options. up the odds: the more (LOCAL) dudes you’re talking to, flirting with, getting to know, the more likely you are to hit upon a dude who’s as no-bullshit as you.
2. talking to all these dudes is also how you sharpen your own dating skills. prove how cool/funny/interesting/witty/sexy you are. see how many people you can get interested. (sending them nudes is cheating! unless you want to attract the wrong element, for you anyway)
3. i’m not sure what your reasons are for discounting boning, but if they’re superficial rather than personal, bend them a little. emphasis on: a LITTLE. i can’t speak for other guys, and i know many of them are shittier than me, but i did not enter into the awesome relationship i am in wanting a relationship. we were fucking, and our compatibility as a couple become impossible to ignore over time.
i’m certainly not saying you can or should use your vag to convert a manslut. i’m saying if you like a dude and your chemistry is apparent (to both parties - is he treating you like a priority or an option? is he keeping you hidden or assmilating you into his life with friends and facebook etc?), don’t let that old-fashioned/male-invented/slut-shaming factor affect whether or not you take the chance of him hurting you. if you want to fuck him, fuck him. at worst, you get laid and curse your instincts. at best you’re establishing a good physical connection with someone you genuinely like and it may be worth continuing to see where it goes. the lady and i banged for six months, and - i’m as slutty as anyone - and by then i knew she was too awesome to let her get away. and i already knew she was great in bed. my personal philosophy is that establishing compatible sex is the hard part; having dinner and watching tv together is the easy stuff. that’s not absolute for everyone, but i have a feeling it might be for men more than women. anyway, whether a guy hurts you in the end should not be dependent on whether you fucked or not. fuck for the right reasons (you want to and he wants to) and you won’t regret it even if it doesn’t work out.
4. if #3 appalls you and you end up defriending me on tumblr for my lousy DID-YOU-EVEN-LISTEN-TO-MY-QUESTION advice, then the only way you can be sure a guy isn’t just in it to fuck you is the old-fashioned way: ask him upfront. the reason i stuck this obvious truth at the bottom is because i don’t ever think it’s a good idea. if i just met someone and i’m attracted to her, in no way does that mitigate if i want to spend a few years or months with her. you should ask upfront but not upfront-upfront. ask before you do the thing that puts you at risk for Being Hurt: in your case sex maybe, but also traveling some distance to meet someone from the interweb. but don’t ask on the first date or IM convo. showing your cards not only kills the spontaneity (this is a personal beef, not universal; i like mystery with my seduction. why have a relationship if you’re going to get to know everything about me in one night?), but will make him think you’re more interested in merely crossing BOYFRIEND off your life checklist, than being cool/funny/interesting/witty/sexy.
special note on this post: most tempted i’ve ever been to yell THAT’S JUST MY OPINION at the end of an answer. heed grain of salt.
I'm a fat girl, and because of horrible experiences in highschool (gasp! bet you've never heard that one!) my self esteem/worth is in the toilet. I am in my early 20's but have still never had a bf. To be honest, i've never even been kissed. Would potential FA partners understand this, and accept being my first, well, anything? I have a recurring nightmare where any future love interests take off screaming for the hills because it's too much pressure. I know it's ridiculous to ask, "hey, should i just fucking give up?" but sometimes i wonder, is being fat AND a virgin *of everything intimate* going to be too much for someone to handle?
give up from what? you’re starting at zero, right? don’t pressure yourself and just let it happen what may.
this one i’m qualified to answer. my ex; in college i was her first kiss. she lost her virginity only a few weeks after. what a world, right? but it’s really no big deal (it will be for many guys, but it’s no big deal). you’re at two disadvantages and most people have one or more.
as for potential FA partners, hate to tell you, there’s no telling whether they’ll “understand” or not. one of the most well-liked FAs i know only just recently lost his virginity long after establishing his presence in the community. so it’s not like there aren’t quality guys in your camp. but FAs are few and far between, nice ones are fewer and farther, and patient ones even more so etc. anything can happen. just don’t sell yourself short. search bbw/fa forums for a virgin thread to find support(ers) or start your own. and be cautious but not cynical.
Welcome to tubmlr. :)
I myself am a 215lb, (almost) 21 year old girl, and I have recently found a guy who loves my body. Even though he tells me, repeatedly, what he likes about my body, I still find it so hard to believe (trust me, there is a slew of past emotional/physical abuse/molestation in my past with men) and I was wondering if you might have any advice on how to just feel better about my body and myself in general?
sorry i’m getting to these all out of order, everyone. different lightning strikes at different intervals, etc.
my advice: take the compliments and leave that other shit in the past. he sounds like a great guy. believe him.
I am 5'1 and at my heaviest I was 196lbs. I have since then lost some weight and gotten down to 154lbs but it is still a ongoing thing. I have never been shy or awkward about my weight. One day I woke up and decided to lose the weight and I have been working on it ever since.
Recently a guy told me to stop working out so much cause he doesn't like skinny girls and the only reason he has been talking to me is cause I'm fat. And if I lose the weight he wouldn't like me anymore. There's nothing going on between myself and him but the comment was you know...took me by surprise.
So my question is, if your girlfriend were to lose the weight, would you find her less attractive? The way a man who likes skinny women would find women who puts weight on less attractive? And if so, would you tell her to stop it?
at least he was honest and you know not to date him.
i’m a weird sample set for this question because:
1. i’ve had the luxury of seeing how my gf looks thin(ner?) from high school and it’s really fucking hot
2. i’m more attracted to thin girls at age 26 than i’d ever been before - i’d now consider myself pretty bisizual, though who knows if this theory would withstand a long-term relationship. i’m dating a fatty and i’m happy.
nevertheless, my gf would be an intrinsically different person if she was thin. many people choose not to make fat an overarching part of their identity. she does. i can’t imagine her wanting to seriously lose weight so i have no idea how i’d feel if she was an entirely different person. it’s also worth noting that neither she nor i wants to have kids or to, oh, live to 70.
i’d dump someone before i told them to stop losing weight, unless i thought they were losing for a really stupid reason, but i can’t imagine myself dating someone who would lose weight for a really stupid reason.
all this said, i think if someone plans on staying in the relationship they’re in, or sexually active in it, it’s in their second-best interest to stay as attractive to their partner as possible. their first-best interest would be health, i suppose, though many people use “health” as a dubious excuse to justify a lot of things. if health is important to you, you should date someone who health is important to. if fat is important to you, you should date someone who fat is important to. (the majority of people i know prefer both)
one more note: i’m more sympathetic to a guy dumping a girl for slimming down than a guy who, say, leaves his wife for getting fat. FAs are generally pretty upfront about the subject, and guys who marry thin girls generally never ponder the possibility of a fat wife other than as a joke nightmare by the time they pledge their love to someone for eternity. if their love didn’t overpower the physical, then it’s only saving them years of frustration when he could be with a fatty who never plans to lose, and her being slimmer immensely opens up her dating options. i only feel sorry for the people who force themselves to stay together when their interests have become irreconcilable; you are wasting your time on this planet.
Do you think fat females who belong to social groups -like the gothic movement-or any other that freely opposes social rules that they find obtuse more likely to have a better outlook on their body?-Erika
um, yes and no. on one hand, they’re more likely to discover tumblr and fat blogs and our weird subcultures and accept ideas like having to connect with boys through the internet or travel to meet new friends.
on the other - and in no way am i saying all goths are depressed or something - this doesn’t mitigate a “better outlook” on their body because the alienation that separated them from the “social rules” to begin with might’ve steeped them in anxiety, depression, various insecurities - all byproducts of a diet culture. being in fringe social groups is definitely freeing but i think we all wish the social majority didn’t put us in that position and suck.
How did you met your girlfriend? It's been a long time that you are together? Was she confident about her body before she met you?
we met at the NJ bash (or if you’re a member of my family/outer-circle friend/canadian border guard: “a hotel party”) and we’ve been together for over two years. she was confident about her body before she met me.
I'm the guy referred to earlier by Stupidtwilamb, and I just wanna say dude, that article you were in and what you said could not have come out any better, it's almost like words were being taken out of my head as I read it; you're like an American version of me. Love it! Also, thanks for the follow! Ali
thanks man. i came out happily articulate in the article and it’s boosted my confidence about publicizing guys like us, but i know i’m not special. i’m just trying to fill in the gaps so that people know there’s not just one or two of us.
what advice would you give to young, plus-sized girls who may feel insecure about their looks and size?
i’m not going to tell you everyone finds a mate and lives happily ever after, but there will always be people who find you attractive. some of them are even worth meeting. your size is definitely accounted for in the dating world no matter what it is, and your looks are probably better than you think.
take care of yourself however you define that. dress yourself in the way you feel comfortable, but also, get the second opinions of people in your life who (this is important) aren’t going to put you down when they offer criticism. exercise if it makes you feel good. eat what tastes good. push yourself to do things that you want to do, not things others want you to do. and make friends with as many other plus-sized people as you can, for empathy and friendship and solidarity and to learn from each other.
Do you ever see the larger women you date become more insecure around larger women that are attractive... more so than the thin women ?
it happens but i wouldn’t say moreso than the thin women. i will say that with the complexity of fat bodies i’ve observed more variation in the factors that girls assimilated into the fat dating community get insecure about. a girl with a double belly might wish she had a single belly, an apple shape might wish she was a pear shape. a girl with a shelf butt might complain she doesn’t have hips, and some girls wish they had bigger boobs or less double chin. this doesn’t mean they’re more insecure, just that there’s greater diversity in what they’re insecure about. if society says thin girls end at 150 lbs, that’s 151-600 lbs (realistically speaking, i know there’s a couple dozen on earth who weigh more than that) it leaves, five times as much range and difference between body types for people to have opinions about. and people already pick apart the shit out of the bodies in the 0-150 lb range!
it’s also obviously a smaller dating pool and many people in it are just discovering dating for the first time (and trust me, that includes FAs). so these are all factors.
but thin girls take all kinds of shit and deal with different pressures. in my experience, the 160 lb girl on the threshold of some major fight against her body has been a lot more insecure than the 400 lb girl who’s lived in it forever. but i’m also biased; i don’t personally know any 400 lb girls who aren’t involved in fat culture and became aware of it as a necessity. there are billions of 160 lb girls who have been considered too fat for idiots and don’t consider themselves fat enough to date people with a fat preference.
the same way i feel about any other mark: birthmarks, scars, freckles, those little red dots some fat girls get on their arms. i don’t think about them very much. i have stretch marks on my thighs and i don’t really think about those either. they certainly don’t gross me out or detract from someone’s appearance for me. they’re just there, and since they’re part of the package, i suppose i love them too by default.
There should be a reply to note button but I've noticed some tumblr themes sacrifice functional links at the altar of clean design.
yeah, this design’s sucking more and more apparently.
"invertandcrush said: Based on other guys you’ve discussed fat chicks stuff with, how common would you say your experience with family re: your preference is? “
i don’t actually know. i’d say my family is anomalous: most blatant assholes can’t keep it to themselves (one of the gf’s exes’ mothers called gf’s own mother to call her daughter a “fat whore,” among other things). my family are mum about the fat thing now, but they’re condescendingly told-you-so on nearly everything else, so i’m just dreading the day. not looking forward to that at a funeral.
You inspire me as much as your girlfriend does to be comfortable in who I am and proud of who I am! I've passed on your article to my best friend that also likes big girls and he was says you are right on point about everything he loved it as much as I did! :] <3 Thank you.
that’s great, i’m glad to hear about your friend. tell him to help get the word out so other girls can find people like him.
Aloha. I'm a an average height, fat chick living in Canada, my boyfriend is an
average height, average weight American. We've been together for a little
while, and it's taken me a long time to let him in. I've confessed my weight to
him (254, aghhh). He says loved every curve I have (yay for Skype dates) and
can't wait to hold me, fuck me, touch me, et cetera. We've never had a formal
meeting before, however he's coming up in July. We met on a chat site and one
important turn on for him was someone in shape. Clearly, I'm not. Although
excited, I'm scared my body will turn him off and this relationship will end
quicker than one can jump the border.
So, my question(s):
Have I converted him to become a FA?
Is he only wanting to be with me because it's likely that my personality
outweights (ha ha ha, pun) my body?
Am I just being paranoid because I hate the way I look and desire to feel/look
healthy (not skinny: healthy. All I want is to be happy with myself)?
Canadian thunder thighs. :)
first thing’s first. you’re going to be offended, but i don’t recognize relationships where the people have not met as boyfriend and girlfriend. it’s a good thing i don’t, too: people are completely different in person than they are online. i’m not trying to scare you off; i sincerely hope your meeting in july is all that you’ve dreamed it would be. but to err on the safe emotional side in the future for you and any other readers, no one should ever expect another person to commit to someone they have not yet, and no one should expend the emotional energy thinking they should. for instance, i hope you’re not turning down guys approaching you in real life because you’re “taken”. don’t set yourself up for disappointment, put all your eggs in one basket, he might be your priority while you’re only an option, etc. but from another american boyfriend dating a fat chick who lives in canada, i wish you the best, very cautiously.
now, your questions.
1. you have not converted him. not yet, anyway. at best he is a sweet, open-minded guy. and i’d seek further clarification that he likes you for you in the first place. you need to address with him before you meet or buy your plane ticket:
"the first time we spoke, you told me it was very important that your partner be in shape. this is my big fat 254 lb. gut. i need to know that you are turned on by my body before we meet."
jiggle your gut for him on cam. ask him why he’s changing his mind about the importance of being in shape. ask as many questions as possible and be as suspicious as you like. tell him about FAs. ask him if he’s ever thought about a partner your size before. ask him why now. be polite about it but cautious. if you’re “scared” as you say, then you have every right to ask him as many questions as you like, and have him remind you of his newfound unpickiness (and possibly preference) as long as you need to get comfortable.
2. that’s great if he does, a best-case scenario for many people. but make sure he’s attentive to your body as well. i’m not trying to make you paranoid, but you do want to ensure he’s wholeheartedly into you physically as well, lest someone more fit come along. long-distance relationships should be a last resort for someone you love, so people often look for reasons to not make them work. i don’t blame them, it’s a pain in the ass. take yours with a serious grain of salt because you haven’t even met, and he’s not an FA, and the odds against you are stacked like dolly parton here. if i were you, i would personally continue looking for other possible relationships to fall back on.
3. you’re not being paranoid, you’re being realistic and asking all the right questions. keep asking them and be more critical of your decisions, but don’t hate your body or the way you look. there are many healthy people at your size. you don’t have to lose weight to be healthy.
You really represented guys who like fat chicks well! The guys from the show I found hard to listen to, total jerks, but you dealt with them so well. Well done, you did a great job, certainly made me (a fat chick) and my boyfriend very proud xxx
yeah, if i could hear more of their sniggering on my end i probably would’ve been less comfortable - they really blindsided me with that pregnant shit. thanks.
dude! you have no idea the kind of awesome can of worms you opened for me after reading your article. as a total fat chick (been a member my whole life) I've spent my whole life and hating my body partly because I always believed that it would be impossible for a guy to find me remotely beautiful let alone be attractive to me! so now I know I was totally WRONG! there is definitely someone out there who will love me for me--skinny or fat. I don't necessarily feel the same hopelessness that I did before when it came to issues of the heart. I do have one question though. Where on earth can I find more guys like you lol?
this should start you up. i plan do a more extended “guide” in the future.
What does your family have to say about you digging fat chicks? Have they accepted you having a larger girlfriend?
yeah. my secret: i don’t get along with my parents at all. they know even bringing up any kind of shit about her size would cause WWIII. and they know by now that if i dated anyone else they would be fat too. but it’s only begrudging acceptance of the fat, they love her. in fact, before we were an item and it wasn’t overt that i intentionally sought fat girls (the biggest gf they’d met of mine was 240 lbs., not a particularly out-of-the-ordinary size), they ended up inadvertently meeting her and having lunch with us. afterward my dad said “well i like her better than any other girl you’ve brought home,” and she outweighed any of those by 100 lbs.
a real pleasant surprise for me was the deluge of supportive messages i got from extended family following the voice article. genuinely did not know what to expect; many of them are health nuts and veggies. but they mostly average out to boilerplate mcliberals and it tells me the tide is turning when their types consider size acceptance to be the default emotional response.
that’s another reason i said yes to the piece: if village voice cares about it enough to be on the right side of history you know you’re doing something right.