Nope. But this Wednesday at 1pm EST, the esteemed Laura Bogart and I will be guests on Colin McEnroe's WNPR show to realtalk some lady who wrote a “book” on “the detrimental impact of fat on sexual health and intimacy.” So there’s that!
This page makes me feel so pretty and accepting of myself, so thank you for that. I really wish I could find a guy to like me for me and not for sex because I'm so over that. I guess I just need patience.
Glad to help, though to be clear, no one should have to wait for self-acceptance.
do bashes have a high ratio of men to women? i'm worried that as the idea of "fat admirers" becomes more normalized, women will start attending bashes more, while the bash male population will plateau or drop.
Wouldn’t bashes become obsolete if fat admirers became normalized? WE WOULDN’T HAVE TO HIDE ANYMORE BROS
one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen had to wait til her 20s to realize “the warmth of the sun on your skin is unlike any feeling” in her first bikini summer.
That’s great that you’re working towards what will make you happier and comfortable in your skin. But no one’s trying to invalidate that for you, and your blog’s stated mission is to do that for others. Unfortunately you can’t consider yourself to be accepting of bodies if you do it selectively. Speaking of health and thin privilege, you might want to peep this study.
one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen had to wait til her 20s to realize “the warmth of the sun on your skin is unlike any feeling” in her first bikini summer.
Maybe some people just don’t feel comfortable wearing certain things? Even when I was smaller I didn’t want to wear bikinis. Also that’s body acceptance not fat acceptance.
But she is comfortable wearing it. If society didn’t suck, she might’ve discovered sooner that she’s capable of that comfort. Fat acceptance is body acceptance. We should accept all bodies. But fat women have had a particularly long and difficult struggle to get respect.
Come to Asheville North Carolina. All of you come too! Really awesome woman to woman support. The fellas seem to be open to women that are confident, regardless of physical appearance. Not a question... Much Love Nikki
I was there in the spring! You should start some size-positive gatherings there.
I have tried the online dating thing. I seem to only attract bed buddies as a 5'9 380lb female. Not that I don't appreciate the appreciation, I'm just over it. How do I more quickly weed out the hoe hoppers from the men that can have a conversation that doesn't solely consist of "show me your tits" ? I understand the obvious solution is to loose weight to appeal to a larger group, but to put it simply, I like me.
I’m glad you like you! The biggest thing you have to understand is that guys aren’t going to recuse themselves, so you’ll have to trust your own instincts, and question them in a way that isn’t so pointed it will scare them off but will still get you the information you need.
Also, when you do tip your hand, why not be frank? When they say something sexual out of nowhere, just say, “I’ve gotten really bored with NSA sex lately so it’s not really enjoyable for me to talk about that kind of stuff until I’ve established that you’re not going to ghost on me and that you’re interested in things about me besides my body. Can we have the conversation about you liking my tits three or four dates from now? I won’t be offended if you want to cut out, but please be honest with me (and yourself!) so we don’t waste each other’s time.” Something like that, shorter, more to the point and in your own voice. And hold him to it.
Obviously this is only for the guys worth responding to at all. Don’t bother if you don’t see there being a chance of them being what you actually want.
Hello Dan, Would you be available for a live ten minute telephone radio interview tonight at 6:35pm PT (9:35pm ET) on Talk 910am San Francisco with Gil Gross to discuss your article regarding what Louie got wrong about fat girls? It would be just yourself and Gil without opposing views or questions from listeners and a cell phone would be fine. Many thanks.
GUEST POST: A RESPONSE TO MY DEADSPIN PIECE ON LOUIE
Kate Rose is a sexual health advocate and educator in California.
It was like he handed me an alien object, like some oddly shaped component of a machine that I had no context for. I looked down at it as if I didn’t know what it was for a moment, and then suddenly remembered that often when one member of the human species wishes to show affection for the other, they would like to demonstrate publicly that they don’t mind being seen as associated through the touching of hands. I just started seeing this guy, and it wasn’t until he grabbed my hand on a short walk to the corner store and it shocked me that I realized how jaded I had become about trying to date as a fat chick.
This apparently still common mating behavior was featured as part of an episode of Louie, thematically centered around a fat waitress, Vanessa, who endures a constant rebuffing of her advances from the title character. Dan followed up this episode with very astute coverage of where the episode hit and where it missed, leaving me with really only one major quibble: his assertion that, “Vanessa would have far less trouble getting someone to hold her hand in real life.” In my own anecdotal experience this has not bore out to reality.
I know the plural of anecdote is not data, but dear god do I have a lot of data points to consider. I’ve been on dates with dozens of people in the last few months, many of them guys who transparently take me to only places they never go, guys who even after a fifth date would never want me to hang out with anyone they would call a friend, guys who say when I want to go to a cafe in our neighborhood, “We can’t go there, the staff will think that we’re together and ask me about it,” guys who even after saying, “I would cancel all of my other dates for you,” but wrench their hand away when I try to touch it across the table at brunch.
I’ve spent a long time working consciously to shed my weight-related shame, and every time this happens it’s like getting grabbed by the ankles and jerked sharply back down to earth. Even a friend who I once dated said, with more frankness than any intentional unkindness, “If I took you to this event with me, it would be this really sexual thing, you know? Like everyone would look at you with me and say, hey I know what he’s into.” Until he said that, it hadn’t occurred to me that I can’t just exist without being some kind of secondary signaling for the sexual proclivities of whatever man is standing in my orbit. Here I thought I was just going to have some champagne and canapes.
So maybe it’s more fair to say that I stand atop a pile of other people’s horseshit rather than my own soapbox when I have great skepticism for the idea that as Dan says, there are plenty of guys who would be perfectly willing to be publicly seen as with a fat girl. Yeah they exist, they thankfully often self-identify as FAs and go to bashes, but most of us are left to wade in the murky shallows of men who will actually go out with us at all, with very few opportunities to screen in advance if this also comes inclusive with a paralyzing fear of anyone else knowing that they would actually do so.
Before this guy grabbed my hand, it had been about 8 months since anyone had gripped said limb with affectionate intention in a public place. Oh sure, plenty had maybe touched my hands as a pit stop on the way to grope my ass on a dark street or to slide it up and across my back at a bar in an effort to proposition me for sex. I’ve found plenty of men who would at the drop of the hat stick their tongue in to my mouth in front of strangers, but it had been a dating eternity since anyone wanted to make the public gesture in front of God and the corner store owner and the mailman that hey I like this person and I like being near them, no qualifiers.
So when Vanessa says to Louie, “Have you ever held hands with a fat girl? Have you ever walked down the street in the light of day, holding hands, with a big girl like me?” it reached in to my insides, grabbed a big handful, twisted and pulled.
I know a lot of people are disappointed that this episode didn’t get more right, but frankly all it seemed to do was hold up a mirror to a world that for me almost never gets it right, a world still expects me to to bear the shame of men who want to date me and are scared that someone might laugh at them for it. If there are as Dan says, plenty of men who would disagree, generally speaking, I don’t know them. Vanessa doesn’t either, and her experience is not everyone’s but it is mine and no less a part of the big mosaic of experiences of dating while fat.
I do ever hope that holding my hand and other displays of public affection and acceptance become the new normal for me. But until then I appreciate Louie for showing some piece of the breadth of experience we have as fat chicks, and that sometimes it is equal parts wonderful and remarkable when a guy holds on and doesn’t let go.
I'm only 16 and I weigh about 220, obesity runs in my family. I am working on losing weight, I just started this week. I decided that it was time to stop making excuses and just work for what I want. I like this guy and he is quite tall, average weight. I don't want to wait a year to talk to him because I'll be slimmer then. How can I talk to him now and make him like me despite my weight? We talk sometimes, small convos, and he laughs at my jokes in class sometimes too.
What if he likes fat girls? I really can’t help you because I’ve never talked to anyone “despite their weight” before.
I seem to recall that you've recently realized you are attracted to skinnier women as well. How did you come to that realization?
It’s not so recent anymore. As I’ve gotten older and slept with more people who attracted me physically but didn’t stimulate me enough mentally, I’ve had some wonderful experiences with beauties who I wouldn’t have been able to fully appreciate when I hadn’t yet experienced enough of what I wanted in bed physically. So it was a combination of realizing I was being turned on by a wider (or skinnier heh) range of physical sizes and realizing my physical “ideal” (which was always pretty diverse as is) was not the be-all end-all of what I wanted sexually.
And in general as a maturity thing I think the older someone gets, the more they owe it to themselves to see what else in the world is capable of making them happy besides what they already know. As you get older/lonelier/more worried about mortality, you start worrying about what you’re missing out on. I was never ever the person who said “ewwww…skinny girls” but I’ve definitely learned to appreciate the look and feel and movement of body types that maybe weren’t the first thing I’d Google when horny.
For my first real feature story in ages, I spoke to St. Vincent, Latyrx, Tegan & Sara, Low Cut Connie, Yoko Ono, and Chuck Klosterman about tUnE-yArDs, who’ve just released Nikki Nack, my favorite album of 2014 so far.
1. tUnE-yArDs - Nikki Nack 2. Lily Allen - Sheezus 3. Wussy - Attica! 4. Shakira - Shakira 5. The Hold Steady - Teeth Dreams 6. Sisyphus - Sisyphus 7. Withered Hand - New Gods 8. Young Thug & Bloody Jay - Black Portland 9. Tokyo Police Club - Forcefield 10. Toni Braxton & Babyface - Love, Marriage and Divorce 11. Tacocat - NVM 12. Homeboy Sandman - White Sands [EP] 13. Old 97’s - Most Messed Up 14. Pixies - EP-2 [EP] 15. Drive-By Truckers - English Oceans 16. Tweens - Tweens 17. Neneh Cherry - Naked Project 18. Miranda Lambert - Platinum 19. Against Me! - Transgender Dysphoria Blues 20. Lykke Li - I Never Learn 21. Skrillex - Recess
dilemma: my boyfriend watches (afaik) exclusively ssbbw porn. i'm not fat. he says he loves me, loves my body and we have a ton of sex, but i'm worried he's a closeted FA. we're open with each other and i support whatever he enjoys on his own, but i don't want to get my heart broken if my body isn't his thing. is it reasonable to think he might like one thing in porn and something else in real life? is there a way to incorporate this interest into our sex life (without me gaining weight)?
It’s not unreasonable to assume that he likes more than one body type but if he ONLY watches porn of supersized girls it sounds like you should sit down and have a discussion with him. Ask why he has no interest in pursuing a supersized girl (or even broader, his fantasies) in real life. Ask if he would be interested in an open relationship to explore that interest and still be with you, or if he’d rather just be friends. Tell him you love him but you’re worried about emotionally investing in a future with someone who clearly has an unrequited sexual interest, and you want to know his thoughts on acting on it, and whether or not he wants you to be part of exploring it. It’s totally possible that he Just Loves You but like I said in that other recent question about a boyfriend’s porn, I think if you’ve been made this aware already of something he’s only interested in privately, you deserve to have your reasonable questions answered and you have the right to be on guard for your own sanity to prevent heartbreak later. If he’s never experienced a fat girl before, it’s hard for me to imagine depriving himself of that entirely when it’s almost exclusively his sexual preference when he’s alone.
Hey it's me and I just ask them basic questions like what kind of music they like. But I get nervous when I'm around guys I like and the guys I like don't come up to me. I'm a hot mess aren't I? Hahaha
You’ll probably have to be more aggressive in your intentions, which isn’t hard to do without a sexual element. Ask if they have plans the upcoming weekend and would maybe like to go to a show with you. Get their Facebook. But yeah, after you’ve initiated conversation and found some commonalities, it’s always safe to invite someone for coffee.
I'm 5'2 and a bit curvy,(not really fat but nor skinny either) but I can't get male attention. How do I do that without showing a lot of skin and acting like a slut or being stupid etc.?
Step one might be not equating “acting like a slut” with “being stupid”
Step two is realizing your height and weight is probably not the reason you’re not getting male attention and letting me know more about your approach, the kinds of guys you’re trying to talk to, where you’re trying to meet them, etc. if you really want help with your manstrategy.
So let's say I see a really cute fat chick walking on the street as I'm out on the town. How do I approach her?
How do you normally approach a woman on the street? I’d do the same thing you usually do (giving mind to the fact this isn’t generally the best way to pick up a woman) while being a little more mindful to sound sincere and less sarcastic and more straightforward than you might usually, to make sure your intent doesn’t come across as a prank or creepy, particularly if she’s say, 400 lbs. and maybe more used to having shitty stuff shouted at her than being approached for a date.
If she walks away, let her go. Don’t block her path. Don’t mention her size. Try to find a conversation opening that isn’t directed at her appearance, maybe throw in a compliment eventually, keep it brief altogether and give her your number. If she doesn’t call you, consider it a no.
Let me loveeeee uuuuuuuuuu LMAO. I like the fact that you are honest with yourself and have the ability to say it. Say that you are attracted to fat chicks. I am a overweight girl. I must also say finding love is hard for fat chicks ya know. Most of the guys in my area aren't interested in fat women. I guess it's because of the stigma to it. All they want is stick figures. Sad world we live in. But anyway let us be friends? Yes?
Sure, provided you stop using the word “overweight.”
(cont) I'm a recovered bulimic and the urges get stronger every day. Plus crippling depression and agoraphobia. Everything else is perfect with him, I just miss feeling desired because I haven't in a longgg time. I feel so disgusting and worthless.
Dump the boyfriend. Everything else is perfect with him? There’s your best friend. You need to date someone who desires you sexually, and if you feel disgusting and worthless and he doesn’t ever initiate or request to see or feel your naked body for two years, it’s time to move on. While it’s somewhat of a journey finding men who appreciate bigger girls (getting easier every day thanks to online expediency), it’s definitely not difficult to find men who fap to more than just “extremely skinny women,” and less difficult to find someone who won’t trigger your mental health issues. You should also seek out regular therapy if you haven’t already.
It also might not be the worst thing in the world to wait on dating someone at all until you no longer feel your depression and agoraphobia are crippling. But being in your current situation has convinced you that you are worthless, and you’re likely only clinging to him out of fear. Learning to be single is one of the most important things I had to teach myself after a three-year relationship went to shit, and it can be both fun and empowering. Being alone isn’t so terrifying, and you and only you get to control what you’re exposed to, i.e. not having to connect super-skinny women with desirability all the time.
I wouldn’t normally advise someone to break up based on the porn their boyfriend watches. But in your case, the sexual relationship sounds incredibly one-sided: you’re more aware of his porn preferences than where your next intimate touch is coming from. He’s not initiating, and two years have only convinced you he’s less and less attracted to you. Spare yourself further misery and take the first step by declaring independence, then working on yourself for some time, while meeting guys and strengthening some friendships and keeping people in the back of your mind for future romantic possibilities after you’ve discarded some of the emotional deadweight in therapy.
110% of what my boyfriend faps to is extremely skinny women. He never tries to get me topless. Ever. He never initiates if I don't. I love him more than life itself, but two years of this is starting to reeeeally hurt me mentally because (more next)
In your article that first published like awhile ago there were questions that were asked and you answered them. I was wondering if you could explain what you meant by this one. "Dear Askaguywholikesfatchicks: Is this because you think you can’t do any better? —BBB Yes, but not in the way you’re thinking."
I always kind of wondered if that one was misinterpreted. I can’t do any better than fat girls because fat girls are the best to me. It wasn’t my cleverest. And I’ve since come to appreciate smaller girls as well.
hey, has anyone else had the problem of asking this blog questions anonymously (or so you THOUGHT), and having your name posted anyway? i swear that's happened to me twice with this blog but never with any other blog. conspiracy?? I'm going to check anon on this ask and see what happens...
This is my bad: a couple months ago I briefly installed a de-anonymizer script because I think it’s the best idea in the world…until I realized that makes sense for every blog except mine. A couple questions went through that were accidentally de-anon’d before I got the script fully removed. Lately a couple people have sent in questions that were apparently supposed to be anonymous, but as you can see from this test post, I don’t think that issue is on my end anymore. Apologies to anyone who this affected, though I don’t remember any particularly damning or personal ones that went through during that brief experiment where I actually published.
For people who don’t write advice blogs on Tumblr though, which is most of you, I definitely recommend getting some code that tricks your asks into thinking they’re anon. And many of you don’t need the option to allow anon asks at all. With my blog it’s pretty essential though, and I realized this immediately.
"This is the most bingo thing ever!" haha! that's perfect! I found that phrase extremely attractive. I totally support your blog and cause! You're doing an amazing job and I find it awesome how open you are to sharing your opinions. Keep up the great work! :))